My friend has pursued me about going to a "Tres Dias" retreat...for TWO years now. Michael and I thought the idea of it was not for us. For many reasons, one of which was the time committment it would take and the amount of time we would have to leave the other one alone with our four small kiddos...
They happen in Fall and in Spring in Nashville...the men go the first weekend, the women go the next weekend and it's 72 hours long. So, when she started pestering us about it, yet again, I did what any punk would do...I signed up Michael but not myself. :) There. Problem solved and who knows? Maybe he would get something great out of it.
Besides, we were signed up for the WARRIOR DASH (a charity obstacle course race that involves leaping over fire and covering yourself in mud) the next weekend and had paid quite a fee to be a part of it for St. Judes Research Hospital. I was out. Woo hoo! Excuse in tact.
My friend continued to earnestly hope there was some way for me to go when she called me to check on me while Michael was away. I again explained that I couldn't make it. She apparently began praying with her fellow retreat servers that God would open up a door for me to go. The next day, we all received emails saying that the Warrior Dash had been moved to a location farther away. All of my friends and then us, decided to bail on it. Hmm...God...what are you doing here? Then came the childcare issue...Michael would need to be off but what are the chances of him being off two full weekends in a row? He was. All but for the first evening and so I called our beloved sitter who quickly agreed to help and even stay overnight.
Oh boy. Then came the confirmation email that I would be going to Tres Dias. My husband walked into the home Sunday night, wrapped his arms around my neck and whispered in my ear..."You are going.". My mind was still screaming....NO! I don't want to go!
And so, I watched my already amazing husband, act out the things he had learned and apply them to his home. It was a sensational thing to observe. I didn't even know there were such blessings to reap from him but it was incredible to witness and receive. I was treated like a queen all week.
I hardly slept and spent the week in denial that I was really going. I was reluctant and on Thursday morning, before Michael left for work that day, I started crying in his arms...explaining my fears of the unknown. There are no secrets with Tres Dias, but they don't tell you too much about what to expect so that your surprises (incredible blessings) remain surprises. I didn't like that part. I didn't like feeling out of control. What if they brought out some snakes? What if they made me do some interpretive dancing? What if they made me talk about my inmost fears and hurts? What if they actually saw behind the masks I still wear with some things? I don't want to be vulnerable. I have been hurt too many times by people. I am ready to back away from them and keep them at arms length. It's comfortable this way. I just don't want to go.
To which, my loving husband wrapped his arms around me and reassured me that all would be well and that I would love it.
Then my friend picked me up so that she could drive me to and from the retreat. That way, I wouldn't make a clean get away....even more scary. I was anxious the whole way...back pedaling in my mind. I was skeptical of the entire thing and questioning why I was so hesitant?
The first night I was FREAKING out inside. We all were. All of Friday, studying of the Word and incredible testimonies were told and many other amazing things were occuring and I was still numb. God, why do you have me here? I don't want this. Why am I so guarded Lord? Help me know. Show me what you want me to have here? What do I need from this and from you? I realized that day many things. Even though I pride myself on being led through some very dark times, and openly owning those to whoever will listen...even though I knew I was forgiven...I still didn't realize how much I still did not trust people. I really didn't trust people to love me well. I still wrestled with letting people see my most vulnerable parts of me. I still had trouble shedding tears in front of people and letting them hold me while I did it. I still wanted to protect them from seeing all of that. I still didn't know how to let people love me. I still didn't know how to FEEL. I knew Christ in my head but that was all. Why don't I feel more joy Lord if I have everything I could ever ask for?
I walked in that night judgemental as can be. I can't even begin to confess all of the thoughts I had about what I was seeing. Who I was seeing...what they looked like. What I would have thought of them in any other arena. God laid bare all of my judgements as the weekend progressed and it was so humbling and life-changing.
It took me 48 hours to finally break. 48 hours people!!! That is how long I applied my posture of resistance to the experience. But finally, Saturday evening, I broke. And what they did was EXACTLY what I needed. My Papa God knew exactly what I needed and how to reach me. I had been shedding tears all weekend but not like I did in that moment. I wept openly for so long. It was so healing! It was SO powerful. I can't even begin to try to desribe it!! But I am thankful. And somewhere after that began my first true worship of the living and active God.
In the next few hours, I became beloved friends with a recovered addict and prostitute and I watched her raise her arms to her father and worship Him with full freedom. The power in that caused my heart to sing and worship our Lord. My sisters in Christ came from EVERY background you can imagine. It was all there. We all looked incredibly different, from every walk of life but we were ALL united in Christ that weekend. Testimony after testimony showed that appearances mean nothing. Satan is at work in EVERY person's life and God ALWAYS wins. He already beat Satan. We are set free by the blood of Christ. If only we'll all walk in that light, love and GRACE.
I finally worship now with freedom. I am free of so many things! God wants to take our messes and turn them into messages and our tests into testimonies if only we will let Him. Our pain is our purpose y'all. It's scary, but worth every bit of it.
Some people may ask if I got a new haircut or new make-up...you look so beautiful today! It's no haircut friends, it's thing new THANG I got going on! It's Christ in me. It's an annointing from the Lord. And I am doing my best to guard it. He has shown favor on me and I am a new creation in Him. I give him all the glory for knowing every bit of me and knowing what I needed next on my pilgrimage. I am eternally grateful to Him for bringing me true joy. I only knew Christ in my head before, but now I know him in my HEART. I worship freely now...because He is worthy of it. I am over myself. There is less of me and more of Him. I have scripture posted all over my home. The Word is TRUTH and I finally feel convicted to dive into it. My day is filled with prayer and worship. My words are of truth. My mountain top experience if over and now I am walking in the valley but I will not fear. I will use Ephesians 5:6-10 to guard me. And Hebrews 4:12 for strength.
The entire weekend's theme was being a WARRIOR woman for Christ. Interesting. That Warrior Dash just got changed into a WHOLE new kinda THANG that was even better dontcha think? Thank you Lord.
