tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2781661210833120582023-11-16T04:05:37.247-08:00Painter's Canvasannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-51826574737953700772013-07-20T15:51:00.002-07:002013-07-20T15:51:08.228-07:00Let's Be Real...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Wow. It's been since October since my brain has been able to spit any words out on this. It's been a season of pulling back from Facebook and here for several months and quieting my voice. I realized that I didn't have a whole lot of wisdom to impart. In fact, I had gotten tired of my head spinning from the constant barrage of people who DID feel they had wisdom to impart. I am a constant learner and seeker, but I had overdone it. I tend to hear someone's advice and heap piles of guilt on myself if I don't do it their way. Every time I turned around, there was another blog about how to be the perfect wife and mother, how to love the Lord better, ten book referrals to achieving the previous goals, along with a mother with a dozen children writing so eloquently it would make C.S. Lewis feel threatened. </div>
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I decided to bail out of the competition...because that's what it became for me. In typical Annette fashion, it became that if we are being honest...which I totally intend to be today. :) I felt the Lord convicting me that it had become more about how funny or eloquent I could be, instead of about what HE had to say. With me, it always goes back to my idol of approval. I would LOVE for you to think I am hysterical, in shape, thin, smart, nice, wonderful to be around, etc. Most of us probably feel that way, but I can tell when it's getting out of hand and taking the place of what's sacred...my relationship with the Lord, my husband and my children.</div>
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So, I shut up for awhile...made it less about me and more about Him. It's been nice, but this social butterfly is back for now and loving it! </div>
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Which brings me to what inspired this blog today...I got outspoken on Facebook and people seemed to relate so I thought it would be fun to expand it here. :) I don't want anyone thinking I have it all together, no matter how much I fake that on the outside. The truth is, we are all normal, in need of grace and balance and laughter and refreshment as we pilgrimage this journey. </div>
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So, here's me keeping it real for you.</div>
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When I meet a mom who uses cloth diapers, eats only organic, runs marathons, has all her children reciting several chapters of the Psalms and talks constantly in a gentle sing-song voice, I SHOULD be really happy for her and tell her she is doing a great job. Instead, I secretly think about stapling her head to the carpet just to see if she will raise her voice...just once.</div>
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If I have been away from my children for any amount of time....let's say two minutes....when I return, they will all begin incessantly barraging me with how much they have been a victim from the ruthless hands of a sibling. This actually makes me want to rip my arm off and beat myself with it...that would be less painful.</div>
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My children unload and load the dishwasher because I don't want to...but I disguise that by saying I am teaching them work ethic.</div>
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One of my children brings me to Jesus about every 15 minutes. I used to think I had it all together. He was the child that brought me a nice, big slice of humble pie. I am very thankful for it.</div>
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Whenever I wonder what is WRONG with said child, I realize he is just like me. :)</div>
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No matter how many times someone tries to compliment me and say I am a good mother, I always doubt it anyway. That disappoints me because I know that the Lord doesn't want me to live that way, He wants me to feel free to be me and feel His never ending GRACE.</div>
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I don't follow Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts very well, no matter how many people have told me her book is amazing and will change my life. I still plan to read it! I do!! I just have to get through the ten books before it on my list...</div>
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My husband has come last for the past four months and that makes me really mad because I have fought for that not to be true. He came WAY before my children.</div>
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One of my children just came by and tooted on me while I was sitting here.</div>
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I just endured my child's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese last night. Yes, I said endured because being in a very loud room with masses of small children hocked up on sugar and life kinda gives me the twitches. In my elderly years, I want them to remember all of that if I need them to wipe MY behind or deal with my dementia.</div>
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I am really starved for attention. I can't get enough. The fact that you are still reading this makes me really giddy.</div>
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Sometimes if my children are being really loud and asking too many questions and whining too much in the car, I turn worship music up extremely loud so I can no longer hear them.</div>
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Gentry just wore the same outfit for three days in a row. On day two, he went to his birthday party. He kept exclaiming that his outfit wasn't dirty and you know what? It didn't look like it to me yet either. By day three it just became about principle, he had to change.</div>
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We planted a garden this year so that our kids could have a wonderful science project for school with Dad. I have yet to touch it. Plants usually die in my care.</div>
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I am all for encouraging our children and praising them so that they will grow up to be secure, well-rounded adults one day...but sometimes if I have to "WATCH THIS!" one more time I may go mad.</div>
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I used to cook more regularly, then summer happened. Bowls of cereal do it just fine right now...</div>
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I have lost count of the number of times my butt has accidently slammed a child's head into the wall...pregnancy was REALLY bad.</div>
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I pride myself on using great animated voices while reading to my kids out loud but it's really not my favorite thing to do...even though I homeschool.</div>
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We go back and forth about getting a dog. The main reason we haven't yet is because we are really, really tired of poop.</div>
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There are all sorts of things that I am intentional about as a mother. I believe in having an orderly home, family meals, a good schedule for my kids, quiet time each day so we don't hurt one another, little to no electronics, etc. </div>
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But I also think this is important to. Let's be real together. What do you got? Would love to hear them!</div>
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Many blessings and laughs,</div>
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Annette</div>
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annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-33730287752948172802012-09-24T19:26:00.001-07:002012-09-24T19:26:23.055-07:00That "Tres Dias" Retreat THANG....My friend has pursued me about going to a "Tres Dias" retreat...for TWO years now. Michael and I thought the idea of it was not for us. For many reasons, one of which was the time committment it would take and the amount of time we would have to leave the other one alone with our four small kiddos...<br />
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They happen in Fall and in Spring in Nashville...the men go the first weekend, the women go the next weekend and it's 72 hours long. So, when she started pestering us about it, yet again, I did what any punk would do...I signed up Michael but not myself. :) There. Problem solved and who knows? Maybe he would get something great out of it.<br />
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Besides, we were signed up for the WARRIOR DASH (a charity obstacle course race that involves leaping over fire and covering yourself in mud) the next weekend and had paid quite a fee to be a part of it for St. Judes Research Hospital. I was out. Woo hoo! Excuse in tact.<br />
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My friend continued to earnestly hope there was some way for me to go when she called me to check on me while Michael was away. I again explained that I couldn't make it. She apparently began praying with her fellow retreat servers that God would open up a door for me to go. The next day, we all received emails saying that the Warrior Dash had been moved to a location farther away. All of my friends and then us, decided to bail on it. Hmm...God...what are you doing here? Then came the childcare issue...Michael would need to be off but what are the chances of him being off two full weekends in a row? He was. All but for the first evening and so I called our beloved sitter who quickly agreed to help and even stay overnight.<br />
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Oh boy. Then came the confirmation email that I would be going to Tres Dias. My husband walked into the home Sunday night, wrapped his arms around my neck and whispered in my ear..."You are going.". My mind was still screaming....NO! I don't want to go!<br />
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And so, I watched my already amazing husband, act out the things he had learned and apply them to his home. It was a sensational thing to observe. I didn't even know there were such blessings to reap from him but it was incredible to witness and receive. I was treated like a queen all week. <br />
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I hardly slept and spent the week in denial that I was really going. I was reluctant and on Thursday morning, before Michael left for work that day, I started crying in his arms...explaining my fears of the unknown. There are no secrets with Tres Dias, but they don't tell you too much about what to expect so that your surprises (incredible blessings) remain surprises. I didn't like that part. I didn't like feeling out of control. What if they brought out some snakes? What if they made me do some interpretive dancing? What if they made me talk about my inmost fears and hurts? What if they actually saw behind the masks I still wear with some things? I don't want to be vulnerable. I have been hurt too many times by people. I am ready to back away from them and keep them at arms length. It's comfortable this way. I just don't want to go. <br />
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To which, my loving husband wrapped his arms around me and reassured me that all would be well and that I would love it.<br />
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Then my friend picked me up so that she could drive me to and from the retreat. That way, I wouldn't make a clean get away....even more scary. I was anxious the whole way...back pedaling in my mind. I was skeptical of the entire thing and questioning why I was so hesitant?<br />
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The first night I was FREAKING out inside. We all were. All of Friday, studying of the Word and incredible testimonies were told and many other amazing things were occuring and I was still numb. God, why do you have me here? I don't want this. Why am I so guarded Lord? Help me know. Show me what you want me to have here? What do I need from this and from you? I realized that day many things. Even though I pride myself on being led through some very dark times, and openly owning those to whoever will listen...even though I knew I was forgiven...I still didn't realize how much I still did not trust people. I really didn't trust people to love me well. I still wrestled with letting people see my most vulnerable parts of me. I still had trouble shedding tears in front of people and letting them hold me while I did it. I still wanted to protect them from seeing all of that. I still didn't know how to let people love me. I still didn't know how to FEEL. I knew Christ in my head but that was all. Why don't I feel more joy Lord if I have everything I could ever ask for?<br />
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I walked in that night judgemental as can be. I can't even begin to confess all of the thoughts I had about what I was seeing. Who I was seeing...what they looked like. What I would have thought of them in any other arena. God laid bare all of my judgements as the weekend progressed and it was so humbling and life-changing.<br />
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It took me 48 hours to finally break. 48 hours people!!! That is how long I applied my posture of resistance to the experience. But finally, Saturday evening, I broke. And what they did was EXACTLY what I needed. My Papa God knew exactly what I needed and how to reach me. I had been shedding tears all weekend but not like I did in that moment. I wept openly for so long. It was so healing! It was SO powerful. I can't even begin to try to desribe it!! But I am thankful. And somewhere after that began my first true worship of the living and active God.<br />
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In the next few hours, I became beloved friends with a recovered addict and prostitute and I watched her raise her arms to her father and worship Him with full freedom. The power in that caused my heart to sing and worship our Lord. My sisters in Christ came from EVERY background you can imagine. It was all there. We all looked incredibly different, from every walk of life but we were ALL united in Christ that weekend. Testimony after testimony showed that appearances mean nothing. Satan is at work in EVERY person's life and God ALWAYS wins. He already beat Satan. We are set free by the blood of Christ. If only we'll all walk in that light, love and GRACE.<br />
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I finally worship now with freedom. I am free of so many things! God wants to take our messes and turn them into messages and our tests into testimonies if only we will let Him. Our pain is our purpose y'all. It's scary, but worth every bit of it.<br />
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Some people may ask if I got a new haircut or new make-up...you look so beautiful today! It's no haircut friends, it's thing new THANG I got going on! It's Christ in me. It's an annointing from the Lord. And I am doing my best to guard it. He has shown favor on me and I am a new creation in Him. I give him all the glory for knowing every bit of me and knowing what I needed next on my pilgrimage. I am eternally grateful to Him for bringing me true joy. I only knew Christ in my head before, but now I know him in my HEART. I worship freely now...because He is worthy of it. I am over myself. There is less of me and more of Him. I have scripture posted all over my home. The Word is TRUTH and I finally feel convicted to dive into it. My day is filled with prayer and worship. My words are of truth. My mountain top experience if over and now I am walking in the valley but I will not fear. I will use Ephesians 5:6-10 to guard me. And Hebrews 4:12 for strength.<br />
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The entire weekend's theme was being a WARRIOR woman for Christ. Interesting. That Warrior Dash just got changed into a WHOLE new kinda THANG that was even better dontcha think? Thank you Lord.annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-53514668542851554372012-08-23T15:59:00.002-07:002012-08-24T18:03:36.294-07:00Mt. Adams Climb 2012WARNING: This is WAY long...if you plan to do this with me right now, you may want to pull up a chair. I am obnoxiously long-winded, and as Shawn recently put it, I have no inner monologue. But for THIS, I just couldn't help it. This was BIG for me people. BIG.<br />
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Can you picture me doing a happy dance while rubbing my hands together with glee? Really? You can? Man, you must REALLY know me. Anyway, this is how I feel when starting to write this blog. I have had many mixed emotions since flying home, but there is definite glee within my spirit. I still CANNOT believe that I made it! I guess I gave the punchline away...but we did in fact summit Mt. Adams in my beloved home state of WA!!!! It was an incredible experience, and there was no doubt that God was all over the climb. Thank you for your prayers; they really did work and were felt. <br />
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But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me back up and also include that my family, friends and I worked for an entire year on a BIG SURPRISE bash for my Mom. We threw it to honor her...we missed her 60th birthday and her retirement...so we felt it was time. She had never had a party thrown in her honor so it was a real thrill to knock her socks off that night. We told her we were all flying in the next day for the climb but actually lied to her all year. I know. I'm amazing. This is me after being up for 24 hours straight, flying across the country and shocking my Mom. This is my childhood bestie, Samantha, and I doing what we could to hydrate for our upcoming climb in 48 hours. :) Let me interject here that she gets the "Amazing Friend" award for A) putting up with me and my antics for 28 years and B) supporting me on such a personal and special event. You rock girl.<br />
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Then we had the privilege of enjoying a down day/climb prep day with forever friends and family who flew out just to support our memorial climb for my cherished brother. They knew and understood the significance of the event and did what they could in many ways to enjoy the week with us. We love them so much!<br />
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Our "Packing Party"...</div>
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<br />
And here is the cast of characters....in some cases...literally. :) OK, maybe just mine.<br />
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MISSION: To summit Mt. Adams, in one piece, to spread the ashes of my beloved brother Michael Lloyd Bushnell.<br />
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From far left: Randy Wells a.k.a "The Most Loving and Wonderful Surrogate Big Brother to Walk the Face of the Earth". He has been my dear friend since age 14, along with his incredible wife Sandy. He said he had never wanted to climb but that he wasn't doing it for him...he was doing it for us. How many of us can say they receive that kind of love from someone? He is a gift to us.<br />
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Ben Dixon a.k.a "The Workout King and Friend Who is Up for Any Adventure". We became friends six years ago and he was rockin' awesome to spend his vacation time and money to support us and experience something so great. Thanks for looking out for me up the mountain, brother.<br />
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Devon Dixon a.k.a. "Female Jesus". I know you use this name for another person Dev, but I appoint it to you. You were so thoughtful, doing quiet and loving gestures at every turn. You took seriously your role to help in any way you could and lighten our load. You literally did just that when my pack became so uncomfortable. You were a godsend and a fab photographer! You had even painted this incredible mountain for me and then chose to step all the way to the top of it to support our mission.<br />
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Sam Schumacher a.k.a. "Longest Running Friendship of my Life". You touched my heart when you wanted to join us, and you rocked it. I couldn't express what it meant to spend time with you again like that. Thank you so much for your love and support and laughs. Now would be a good time to also mention that I have peed my pants handfuls of time...in my adult life...with this woman. Thanks for going so far back in my memory bank.<br />
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Next we have Biscuit a.k.a. "The Fat Roll on my Belly" She has been a part of my life for four years now and she continues to grow. She is a part of me, and though I despise her most often, I can't give her up or what comes with her. We have a love-hate relationship...<br />
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Michael Delk a.k.a "Absolute Smokin' Hot Stud Muffin Who is the Love of my Life". He needed this as much as I did, and I am so glad we could experience this together, supporting one another. I was distracted the entire climb by his hotness. I am serious. I couldn't stand it. I love you babe. I would write more but this is already a book, and you would all be puking anyways...<br />
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Alison Rau a.k.a. "My Sister-in-Law and Forever Friend". Without your idea and planning and desire, this climb wouldn't have existed. Thank you for bringing us all along on such a personal and emotional journey for you. I love you forever and am still constantly in awe of your strength, beauty, resilience and grace. Thank you for being such an incredible and loving wife to my beloved brother. Shawn was right, you were his North Star...<br />
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Shawn Bushnell a.k.a. "Brother From Another Who is Freakin' Superman". Whether you wanted to or not, you became our guide. Thank you for being in such great shape that you could take care of us, lead us, guide us, and teach us. You extended such patience and laughter. Thank you for memorializing your brother in this way with us. It was almost like having him with us up there...you two have so much in common about your personalities. We benefited from being with you.<br />
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The view of Mt. Adams and Mt. St. Helens from my parents' doorstep...I know. It's amazing. Takes my breath away. I miss "MY" mountains. Yes, I take ownership of them whether that is fair or not.<br />
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The most supportive and understanding husband in the world to one Alison Rau. And my cute nephew Maddux. You are such an important addition to our family. We love you so much.<br />
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Bittersweet goodbye from parents who will wait expectantly until our return...always supportive.<br />
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Emotions are already tough...<br />
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Michael literally stopped a four car caravan of cars in the middle of a highway to get a picture of this Red-Tail Hawk on our drive to the mountain...for those of you who know our loss, we don't think this was coincidence that he was sitting there for us...<br />
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Stopping to reenact our wedding...12 years ago this month in Trout Lake, WA. The only thing I would do differently this time at our wedding is run toward him.<br />
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We huddled up for a prayer and a team cheer of "Michael Lloyd!"...some tears...and we were off.<br />
<br />
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"Lunch Counter" our spot to camp for a few hours. These are the man-made rock walls to cut down on the crazy wind while you sleep on lava rocks. Our weather was perfect the WHOLE time though. It never got colder than 45 degrees that night either.<br />
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<br />
This device is called a "Freshette". It helps a woman pee standing up like a man. You're welcome people.<br />
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<br />
Mt. St. Helens from Lunch Counter...you know, that big mountain that blew up in 1980 when I was just a wee little one knee-high to a grasshopper.<br />
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Is anyone still with me anyway? Anyone? Surely the only person left at this point reading is me, right?<br />
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Moving on...these next photos are of the "False Summit" in the wee hours of the second day. It was intense but awesome. <br />
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<br />
We MADE it to the False Summit!!<br />
While I was packing for the trip, our dear friend Stephen encouraged me to think of a scripture. And anytime I felt like I couldn't go any further, I was to repeat the scripture over and over. He told me I would come back changed. I don't have many scriptures memorized but what popped in my head was Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me". I literally used it as a mantra up the mountain as well as continuous prayers, worship music on my Ipod and hearing a little whispered voice of my brother telling me I could do it. Each of these things empowered me to keep going. He was right, I am forever changed by this. God literally surrounded me on all sides and helped me get up there. At the summit, there were three birds circling. We hadn't seen birds until then. I like the significance of the three birds being there with us...<br />
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<br />
Almost there....this is where I hit a wall, and Ben and Devon had to coax me up the rest of the way while I tried to breathe...thank God for friendship!<br />
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<br />
Kelly Huddleston, this picture is for you. This is me crying my eyes out from exhaustion. Only about 30 yards to go or so...<br />
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<br />
My brother's ice ax that Ali carried up the mountain. My brother climbed this mountain three times, his last time with her. She was a machine. So proud of you Ali!<br />
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Michael is using my brothers pack, and that airport tag flapping in the wind is still left on the pack from when my brother flew out to climb. It has his name on it.<br />
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And now headed back down and back to happier thoughts...<br />
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Yes, these are the glissading trails made by previous climbers. You literally slide down about 2500 feet of the mountain on your bohunkus. I was spazzing out and ran into Ali numerous times. That whole "Self Arresting" thing just wasn't working for me. At some point, I finally surrendered to it and started having a blast and going fast. Dev, this picture of you will always make me laugh, and I am so glad that in spite of hating that part, you were still a good sport! :)<br />
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This is taken right after I laughed at Shawn for biffing it...oops! :)<br />
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Back to lunch counter to gather our tents and gear and head on down. We were practically jogging down...<br />
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This is me with my bloodied knuckles from the ice ax and my terrible glissading/stopping skills. I am also doing my best "Fire Marshall Bill" impression here.<br />
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And the climb wouldn't be complete without loved ones meeting us at the bottom of the mountain for a cheeseburger and one famous Huckleberry shake in the Trout Lake cafe. <br />
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This experience was amazing. I never expected to feel so blindsided by the emotions and grief it evoked after coming home, but I am forever grateful for every minute of it. Every bit of sweat, blood and tears were worth it, and I can't help but know that my brother would be smiling down on us and so proud of us all! I am thankful a part of him is at the top of his beloved mountain. Thanks again for your prayers and love and support and for reading this sentence. Are you SERIOUS? You are still here?! You are amazing.<br />
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And would you believe I am already ready to do it again next year? Yep. I think I'm hooked now...<br />
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XOXO,<br />
Annette<br />
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<br />annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-42173810747045252052012-07-31T18:00:00.000-07:002012-07-31T18:00:01.177-07:00This Upcoming Climb.... Some of you fortunate people have seen photos of me in some hiking gear...some photos have been calm and others have been downright frightening!<br />
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One year ago, my dear sister and friend Ali, made a very personal decision to memorialize my brother in his beloved home state of WA. He climbed Mt. Adams three times in his short life on earth and one of those climbs was with his wife Ali, during the week of our wedding. That was twelve years ago next week.<br />
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So...with all 587 items collected for Michael and I in tow and seven other devoted friends and family, we are attempting to climb Mt. Adams next week. <br />
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I have heard dozens of tips and listened to hours of advice on what will get me up there. I have no doubt that it will also be because of the fierce prayer warriors I have who will be lifting me up. <br />
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I have been told I could do it in a day without bringing any food. I have been told I will need two pages of typed items. I have been told I really don't need to exercise. I have been told that if I am working out six days a week and running marathons, I may still not be able to do this. I have been told I am over thinking it. I have been told I am not doing enough. I have been told to prepare for blizzards, rain, below freezing temperatures, just an easy and nice day hike, hiking at 4 a.m. with a headlamp, altitude sickness, becoming lunch for a cougar, a 2000 foot man made slide on the way down, and not being able to move for several days. I have been told people do it all the time and never train. I have been told people in their sixties do it in their tennis shoes. I have bought a Freshette...explanation not included... I have rearranged schedules to run errands to get said items. I now have stock in REI. I have become friends with half the staff there. We have spent a small fortune. We now have a Y membership with a few hours of exercise in there. I have hired sitters so I can climb with Ransom on my back at two of our local parks. One of those hikes included being one inch from a Copperhead with my family. I have a mound of accumulating gear in my bedroom that is finally complete and ready to be packed. We have decided we HAVE to become a hiking family at this point. Besides, I have TOTALLY surprised myself by actually loving it! :) We can now tack hiking on to our beloved family camping trips.<br />
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I have mixed emotions. I have no doubt my brother would be thrilled at what we are doing. I have no doubt he would believe I could do it. I have been flooded with memories of him and the acute awareness of how much I still miss him. I have been scared out of my mind. The will has been prepared. I have been excited. I still am. I am looking forward to a different view of my cherished and beloved hometown mountain. The painting of it, above my fireplace will take on a whole new meaning. One of my dear friends Devon, who painted Mt. Adams for me, will be coming with her husband from Nashville to join us on the climb. How cool is that?<br />
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I shouldn't be writing right now...the "To Do" list is a mile long, but I couldn't resist filling you in. This isn't a post about how awesome we are or how amazing we plan to be. It's just a big deal to me right now. There is a ton of anticipation. A big "Thank You" must go out to Ali for the idea and the planning and the desire to lead us up there with the help of Michael's brother Shawn. A big thank you must go out to my forever friends who are flying out simply to be present at my parents house for support. And a big thank you must be said to those dear friends who are joining us to offer support in case we fall apart and cry the whole way up. I plan to jump on their backs if this should happen. <br />
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Please pray for us if you think of it next week. I will try to find a moment to let you know how it went!! <br />
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Much love,<br />
Annette<br />
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<br />annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-12592296901322124482012-04-02T09:04:00.000-07:002012-04-02T09:04:53.293-07:0040th Birthday/Four Year Anniversary of My Loved One...Once again, this is always meant to bless those who have lost a loved one in knowing that they are not alone. And to help someone who hasn't, understand one person's road through grief. Most of all, it's healing for me to write about this journey...one I never expected to take.<br />
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This will finally get me caught up on my journal entries over the years and lead up to this year's April 11th and the five year anniversary. Warning: It's a long one! :)<br />
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<em>March 9th, 2011</em><br />
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<em> You would have been "40" today. A milestone event, an enormous party planned, your joker self in full form, your storytelling, antics and famous smile on display...</em><br />
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<em> Today has been surprisingly tough, raw and emotional. I feel the loss of you like a heavy weight on my spirit. I want to feel your presence somehow...be still to see if God will give me some sort of supernatural experience today...just a tiny something so I can have you alive again for just a bit. I know you are always near in whatever way you can be and that Kim Mikrut's words will stick with me. She said that the Bible says that those who pass are all looking down on us as an army of witnesses to this life here. She feels her father is watching over her. If you are watching and witnessing my life, I hope you know that I still miss you every day. I still hurt from the loss of you but I have hope. You still lead me in unsaid ways, your example still instructs me. Your jokes still live on. Your smile is only a thought away. Your words of encouragement are heard in my heart when I need them most. I love you still. I miss you always.</em><br />
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<em>April 11th , 2011</em><br />
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<em>So, here we are again...another year has come and gone. We've survived another one without you. More beautiful events have happened, more memories made, more laughter and joy have abounded. My baby has grown and celebrated his 1st birthday! We have moved into an incredible home that we cherish so much. Michael actually got a new truck after 16 years!</em><br />
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<em>And somehow I don't feel like I need to tell you all this, because somehow it's still as though you were with us through it all. Your memory and what you gave each of us seems to carry you along on all these adventures with us. The first thing we did when we moved in was hang your wedding photo on a nail left in the wall from the previous owners at just the perfect spot in our home.</em><br />
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<em>There is still the loss just a thought away. I wanted to share the excitement with you last week when Michael got his new truck. I knew you would have been the best person to celebrate FOR him. You would have been HAPPY for him...told him he deserved it...said all the reassuring things he needed to hear as he wrestled through all the internals of treating himself to something special. And finally, we both said how much we would have wanted to give you "Thunder" since you always told us you would have wanted it if he ever got rid of it. We would have trusted you to love him right. :)</em><br />
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<em>And let's not forget the birth of Ali's son Maddux this year. There is no doubt that you were with us in some way ar that God let us know he feels our pain. It was not a coincidence that she went into labor 8 days early with her first baby, on your wedding anniversary of 9/5....her water broke at approx. 5:09 a.m. on 9/5 and Maddux was born at 5:09 p.m. on 9/5.</em><br />
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<em>It was as if she was being given a new reason to celebrate that day...a gift from God to ease the pain of the memory of that day and to reassure her of how happy you would be that she was finding new joy. </em><br />
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<em>I had the privilege of being asked to share in that moment with her and Nate and Skyla and Phil. It was a first for me and something I will never forget and always be thankful for. Words cannot describe it!</em><br />
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<em>At one point, she asked me to bring her three photos she had in her bag...one was a wedding photo of her and Nate....and two were of her climb of Mt. Adams with you. She placed them upright beside her and began weeping, to which we all joined in...then we watched as she composed herself and used those photos specifically for strength. She is so beautiful. It took me too long to see the whole picture but I am so thankful now for the indescribable value she has in my life.</em><br />
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<em>Which brings me to this morning...and my moment with "Barker" and Ransom. Your beloved "Barker" stuffed dog, given to Jaren on her first birthday...and the hilarious story behind you parting with him. And the many ways I have FIERCELY denied my children the privilege of playing with him because he was a gift from you. So...atop the nursery boudoir he has sat, for over four years now...a gentle reminder of your "Best Uncle" award. A reminder of how gentle, instructional, patient, adventurous, fun and kind you were to Jaren and Gentry and how you celebrated them and delighted in everything they did.</em><br />
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<em>I have rocked three babies in my rocking chair next to "Barker" since your passing and nursed for countless hours. It seems the only time I am still and even then I am rocking and nursing...a constant multi-tasker! :) It is where I have thought of you repeatedly, processed and pondered my grief, strengthened my faith and looked up to smile at "Barker" enjoying the gentle reminder of your love for my family.</em><br />
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<em>Atop the bureau he sits...very safe from any and all harm. So this morning, I go in to get Ransom to quickly nurse him so I can hurry to Radnor before the 80% chance of thunderstorms hit for the day. I am hurrying as usual, something you loved to tease me about, when I open the door to pull out an outfit for Ransom...and all of a sudden Barker nearly jumps off the top of his perfect spot and lands on the floor in front of my feet.</em><br />
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<em>Hmmm...I'm thinking. Coincidence? Perhaps. Whatever it was, it made me stop. It made me know you were with me today. It made me break into a wide grin. It made me immediately picture you with your fist to your mouth giggling in your obnoxious practical joker way. It made me cry. It made me reach down, pick him up, kiss him and get Ransom to audibly giggle while I tickled his nose with Barkers. Thank you for that God...for still giving me his presence when I crave it.</em><br />
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<em>So that brings me to this moment. I have made it to the top of this climb again and here I sit on "your bench" tracing my fingers over your MIKE + ALI penmanship....grateful for this small piece of your timelessness...writing quickly now because storm clouds have now made it here and my answered prayers are coming to an end with this weather...reflecting once again on your beautiful spirit and all the ways you are loved still and missed beyond any words. </em><br />
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<em>My first three years without you were complete shock. Complete shock on nearly every level. This year has been a year of acceptance. And now I pray that my future holds healing and peace about your secrecy with me. I know that God is a God of restoration and healing and hope...it's maybe the next step for me.</em><br />
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<em>I am so thankful for ever reaping the benefits and blessings of knowing you, for receiving your love and protection and guidance. Thank you for all the ways your faith strengthened mine and all the ways I still carry your lessons and wisdom with me today. I love you today and for eternity and am thankful we will be together again one day.</em><br />
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<em>P.S. OH MY WORD!! I just know you were here with me today!!</em><br />
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<em>So, today is always my day to reflect, to ponder, to memorialize you...the weather ALL along has said there was an 80% chance of thunderstorms and heavy rain. I'm bummed. I REALLY wanted that one day out of the year to be sunny for my annual Radnor hike and journaling. It was over 80 degrees and sunny four days leading up to today...pondering...wondering what to do instead. Mom is in town and offers to watch the kids so I can go...</em><br />
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<em>It's the morning of and it's sunny! It looks like it has the potential for clouds but it's sunny! So I get on a mission to get all the kids their breakfast, diapers changed and Ransom nursed BEFORE it rains. I pray repeatedly between tasks, "Lord, PLEASE just let it hold off until I can finish my Radnor thing!".</em><br />
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<em>So I'm off, watching the clouds as I drive to the Radnor Lake parking lot. I'm riding the Lexus' behind all the way into the parking lot...I get parked. I try to pause, be still and focus. I begin walking. I see several fallen trees from the months recent tornado and storms and feel the strong wind and think..."Watch a tree fall and land on me while I am out here alone in the woods!".</em><br />
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<em>But I make it to the top and the sun is still present. I journal, I pray, all the while watching the clouds approach, playing a "fleece" type game with God and this ominous storm approaching. I finish writing and hear God whisper, "It's okay. Take all the time you need. I can control the rain.". </em><br />
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<em>So I think and listen and I am so still....a VERY rare thing for me. I am listening to every marvelous sound of nature and I am ENJOYING it....soaking it up....but I can't leave...just CAN'T. This happened last year. I can't bring myself to leave this spot. I feel closest to Michael and God here. It's my peaceful place.</em><br />
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<em>So, I lay back on the bench, put my journal and books back in my all-prepared plastic rain protected Kroger sack, and lay on my back on the bench. And for the first time I am looking up...and thinking and enjoying the peace. Enjoying that childlike feeling of looking at each leaf on those very tall tree trunks...the branches are swaying, the clouds are settling in and because I'm at this new angle looking up, I am able to witness the glorious sighting of a red-tail hawk just above my head. (These have been "Michael's" God nods since his passing and come at just the right times for me and others in our family) </em><br />
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<em>He glides in so majestically and soars right over the top of me, right in my line of vision. I think, "Surely that is NOT a red-tail hawk! Did I see that right?!" So...he politely turns and glides right back over me...repeating his perfectly peaceful dance over my head a dozen times, not once or twice, a dozen and then the sun peeks out and shines on me and my tears...and at that moment a tree cracks and comes CRASHING to the ground just 15 yards from me!!</em><br />
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<em>Unbelievable! I start thinking about...no PLANNING a camping trip for this month, convinced I need to be in nature again...enjoy it again like both my Michael's have...be still enough again to remember the love I've always had for it but kept tucked back behind all my tasks...and I think, "You know God, you may have to actually MAKE it start raining to get me off of this bench. I'm not certain I have the strength to make myself leave...and so...the raindrops begin falling at that moment...little by little, ever so slowly until one hits me in the ear and I decide I might need to move. The trees above me will only be able to offer me partial protection for so long.</em><br />
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<em>So, with tear-streaked cheeks, I begin a very slow and reluctant walk down the path, glancing often back to the bench I just bent to kiss. Somehow I didn't notice the entire hillside COVERED in purple wildflowers on the way up, Michael's favorite color. And I'm breathing in that old familiar scent of the earth when it rains.</em><br />
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<em>The rain is picking up but somehow I know the clouds will not open up and dump until I am safely back in my truck...I believe God's promise to me. I'm smiling now, even more convicted to enjoy nature more and make sure that camping trip happens.</em><br />
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And so, here I sit....writing while a torrential DOWNPOUR ensues outside my warm and dry and protected truck seat.<br />
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You are a glorious God! A faithful and loving and protective God! Thank you for making me celebrate you today...for my stunned and delighted laughter, for joy, for life, for love, for remembrance, for hope, peace, healing, survival, babies, Michael Delk, my parents, for all the surrounding blessings!!<br />
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Gotta go! I've got to go LIVE!! You just turned my sadness into joy!!<br />
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</em>annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-28593690908644684972012-03-25T19:19:00.000-07:002012-03-25T19:19:00.466-07:00What I Love and Miss About WA...On a three week visit to my homestate of Washington, I was reminded of my family and what I miss and love and all the things my brother and I had to leave behind to move here in 1997....<br />
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<ul><li>Our birthplace of Davenport, our first hometown of Wilbur, our family in Almira and that fateful day at the Reardan payphone on Christmas Eve.</li>
<li>Grandma and Grandpa Painter</li>
<li>IGA trips</li>
<li>Grandma and Grandpa's willow tree and all the beatings I took from it from my brothers.</li>
<li>Our red berry tree fights in the yard.</li>
<li>Wind!! Wind so strong, up to 75 mph....often.</li>
<li>Getting ready for prom and having my hair blown sideways. :)</li>
<li>Wheat fields...bright green...rippling in the wind.</li>
<li>Mt. Adams views whenever we wanted.</li>
<li>Mt. St. Helens views.</li>
<li>Mt. Hood views and ski trips together</li>
<li>The magnificent Columbia Gorge and it's beautiful waterfalls, blue water and verdant green splendor.</li>
<li>Dust devils in the dry heat.</li>
<li>Summer forest fires, Smokey the Bear and signs stating the days fire potential.</li>
<li>Wishram fires.</li>
<li>Dry heat and cool temperatures in the shade.</li>
<li>Dressing for 105 degree weather and 40 degree weather, all in one day...</li>
<li>Pine trees as far as the eye can see.</li>
<li>Crisp, clean air.</li>
<li>Jet skiing on the Columbia River.</li>
<li>Fresh fruit stands.</li>
<li>Wineries</li>
<li>King City Chocolate Factory</li>
<li>Spokane and all our family there.</li>
<li>Auntie Jeanne</li>
<li>Sheri and Ghassan's house and all the memories of hospitality there.</li>
<li>Lebanese/Armenian garlic-filled food!!</li>
<li>ZaZa and Rima and their servant hearts.</li>
<li>Screen doors and being able to use them! Feeling the fresh air coming in the windows and hearing the breeze outside.</li>
<li>Playing and laying in the grass without chiggers.</li>
<li>Lake Roosevelt and Jones Bay</li>
<li>Randy and Sandy, Erin and Travis, Samantha and all our dear friends</li>
<li>Our camper.</li>
<li>Mom and Dad of course!!</li>
<li>Clint, Kirstie, Wyatt, Amity and family</li>
<li>Our family...our roots.</li>
<li>Lake Chelan</li>
<li>Lake Couer d'lene, ID</li>
<li>Mt. Spokane</li>
<li>The South Hill</li>
<li>All the different locations and trips I puked on as a child.</li>
<li>The Columbia River and how it's weaved into most memories throughout the state and throughout the years.</li>
<li>John Day Dam</li>
<li>Grand Coulee Dam</li>
<li>The Wild Horses statue at Vantage Bridge</li>
<li>Coulee City, Moses Lake, Ephrata</li>
<li>Uncle Orville, Aunt Kit, Graydon and The Ranch</li>
<li>Uncle Slim</li>
<li>David, Judy, Lani and DJ</li>
<li>Ice skating on the tennis courts in Almira</li>
<li>Jerry Emerson</li>
<li>Appaloosa horses</li>
<li>Leavenworth and Wenatchee</li>
<li>Your 1968 Chevy Stepside Pick-up</li>
<li>Remote, rural towns</li>
<li>Incredibly unique starry nights</li>
<li>John Day River</li>
<li>Rock formations along I84</li>
<li>The heiroglyphics at Horsethief Park.</li>
<li>Finding crystals in the rocks near Rufus and Biggs.</li>
<li>All your hometown gigs and barfights you watched from the stage.</li>
<li>Driving over Biggs Bridge in the wind.</li>
<li>Now...the windmills...</li>
<li>Being in WA and seeing hundreds of miles of OR farmland.</li>
<li>The Goldendale Golf Course</li>
<li>Combines</li>
<li>Big trucks, big cowboy hats and cowboy boots...the real cowboys.</li>
<li>The Demolitian Derby and Mt. Adams views</li>
<li>Rodeos and the "Ring of Fire"</li>
<li>Beer Gardens</li>
<li>Licorice, salt water taffy and Dehart's Brach's candy by the pound</li>
<li>Icicles</li>
<li>602 E. Collins</li>
<li>Camping in Trout Lake</li>
<li>Huckleberry picking with cougars and bears and dangerous logs...filling our buckets.</li>
<li>The pine beetle in my hair.</li>
<li>Your campfire serenades and guitar playing</li>
<li>Huckleberry cobbles and muffins by Mom</li>
<li>Christmas feasts by Mom</li>
<li>Grandma's chocolate chip cookies</li>
<li>Trains all over the gorge.</li>
<li>Wild horses on Highway 97</li>
<li>Moms tacos!!</li>
<li>Auntie Jeanne's perfume</li>
<li>Antique hunting and family treasures</li>
<li>Community Days Parade</li>
<li>Dad standing and saluting the Veterans as they go by in the parade...always swell with pride seeing him do that.</li>
<li>Your Mother's Day swing on the island.</li>
<li>Rattlesnake hunting</li>
<li>Classmates and reunions</li>
</ul><br />
Thankful for all the memories and the love I still have for my wonderful home state.annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-37164670058678178852012-03-09T05:42:00.000-08:002012-03-09T05:42:56.479-08:003rd Anniversary of My Loved One...Thanks for hanging in there with me while I attempt to get each anniversary journal entry transferred to this before the fifth year anniversary gets here...<br />
<br />
Once again, these are always meant to let someone out there know they are not on an island in their grief and to give those who haven't experienced it...a better understanding and empathy for it. It has also blessed me to be able to write, which I love. It helps me express my grief and also helps to show me the ways it has changed and hasn't changed each year...<br />
<br />
<br />
<em>April 11th, 2010</em><br />
<br />
<em>Another year lived and survived without you experiencing our life with us...a much overdue trial occurring May 25th on your behalf. It was an excruciating and exhausting experience...discussing every single aspect of your entire life,, the wreck, your injuries and to what extent, that traumatic night at Vanderbilt when you passed, your funeral, what it's like for us now, seeing and facing the illegal alien who was involved and all the legalities that involved. It brought every single thing back us for each of us. I remember sleeping nearly a day and a half after that.</em><br />
<br />
<em>And another beautiful healthy baby boy that you would have adored. I can't help but think, each time we have another precious life added to our family, how much they will miss not getting to meet you, and how proud you would be of us...how happy you would be for us.</em><br />
<br />
<em>This past year has been amazing...blessings everywhere, around every corner...just exactly what you would have wanted and prayed for us to enjoy...still so strange you aren't here to enjoy them with us.</em><br />
<em>You are still everywhere for me. You are still in my heart every day. You are still so painful to be without.</em><br />
<br />
<em>So much has happened for Ali this year that I know you would want for her. I was getting ready the other day and stopped and said to Michael, "I still cannot believe we survived losing Michael Lloyd". To which he wisely responded that it's something we'll always, daily, continue to survive until we see him again. That' s the truth...my heart is mending, new life, love and joy are still present, but you are always a memory away...a thought away...an overwhelming emotion of loss away.</em><br />
<br />
<em>Mom is here helping with the birth of Ransom just ten days ago. I will continue to try my best to love her even half as good as you did. You sure give me a lot to live up to but I am thankful she experienced so much with you and received so much of your love in her life.</em><br />
<em><br />
Leaving this house and moving in another month will be difficult because my last memories of you are here but I know you will be wherever we are in our hearts. We love you always...<br />
<br />
</em>annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-36226474131204642152012-03-06T12:38:00.000-08:002012-03-06T12:38:17.163-08:00A Weary Mom...Big sigh...and a couple more. I had one of the worst days I have ever had as a mother yesterday. It involved things that have been brewing in my home for about four weeks now...things like defiance, children screaming at one another, pushing, shoving, hitting, whining, tattling, fussing, selfishness... It seemed to come to a head yesterday as I tackled a fifteen hour day alone. Finally, at 10:00 p.m. after three hours of trying to discipline the kids through bedtime...I LOST IT. <br />
<br />
I didn't just get angry, I took it to a whole different level. I didn't physically harm my children but my words pierced their precious spirits. I said words no child should have to hear. I went in twenty minutes later with humility, repentance, an apology and a speech that said all the "right" things, but for me if felt like way too late.<br />
<br />
So, then I settled into a melancholy state of self-loathing. I have taken it to a whole different level where I awoke this morning convinced I am incapable of doing this "mother" thing...incapable of writing or speaking on motherhood with ANY amount of wisdom...thinking I should resign from being a board member for my local home school co-op because it's all just a big joke. The idea that I am worthy of any such titles when I am such a failure as remaining self-controlled...<br />
<br />
Michael informed me that THIS was blog worthy. THIS was where the realness lies...that venting to all of you the truth about where I find myself at times, is worthy of my time today. I would love to never have to admit that my temper gets the best of me...that I feel at times like I am failing at motherhood, that I feel that my children would be so much better off with another mother.<br />
<br />
I wish I could say that I could finish this blog with wonderful insight into scripture that points me back to complete joy like so many other blogs I read but I am still wrestling through it today. I know what many of you would say to comfort me in this moment of weariness and I would say many of the very same things to you...<br />
<br />
For now, I will cling to Romans 7:14-8:2 and I will play worship music in my home. I will cry out to Jesus to help me through each moment. I will call a friend or two to vent and ask advice and I will plan to get out in this glorious weather to try to restore each of our souls....<br />
<br />
I am thankful for the apostle Paul who writes, and therefore, helps remind me that I am not on an island in this journey. Romans 7:14-8:2 from The Message says...<br />
<br />
<strong> I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself---after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.</strong><br />
<strong> But I need something <em>more</em>! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't <em>do</em> it. I decide to do good, but I don't <em>really</em> do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.</strong><br />
<strong> It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin it there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.</strong><br />
<strong> I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?</strong><br />
<strong> The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. </strong><br />
<strong> With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. </strong><br />
<br />
<strong> </strong><br />
My answer always comes back to GRACE. Grace for my children and grace for myself. Realizing that Christ covers us in grace. If you think of it today, please say a prayer for your weary friend. <br />
<br />
Thanks for listening...annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-44275214236475587342012-03-02T09:14:00.000-08:002012-03-02T09:14:49.450-08:00To My Children With Love...To those of you reading this before my children are actually able to read...<br />
<br />
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be one of those letters where I brag on my children and they are made out to be perfect. I almost deleted this post today after the kids bickered all the way to Costco and back over a kite...it is however, truth about the ways I feel they are marvelous and deserve praise....because after all, that IS one of the most precious gifts I can give them and it IS my responsibility as their Mommy.<br />
<br />
<br />
Hello dear babies,<br />
<br />
I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I love you. I now have the memory of a goldfish and so I think it's important for you to have my words written down so that you know all the ways that I loved you...right here in this moment and the way you were loved and seen through my eyes today...<br />
<br />
My dear, dear Jaren...<br />
<br />
The words, "It's a GIRL!" were some of the sweetest words of my life. I had prayed for them...I had prayed for specific qualities and physical characteristics, not certain that the God of the universe would see fit to grant me my wishes and yet He did. He is a God like that. A God who wants to bless His children and cares about all the "little" things. I prayed and God literally gave me everything I had hoped for in you. You are the first real tangible gift for me that proved I was forgiven.<br />
You are the child I have the most regrets with. You got all of my mistakes as the first child while I found out the hard way the lessons God was teaching me through motherhood...and yet, you are gracious and loving and forgiving. And you spend your days reassuring me of your love for me and your Daddy and your brothers. Our home is filled with the sounds of piano playing each day thanks to you and your love of music. You are also an important part and Deejay in our family dance-offs. Your heart is one of a servant. You are an old soul who has always been older than your years. This is a blessing and a curse as your parent because you are also prone to thinking you have all the answers...I, ah-hem, know another person in your home you may have inherited this from...I often tell people that you could probably run this house without your parents if we let you. You are a dreamer and a doer. You have a very strong work ethic that will serve you so well in life. You are wise beyond your years and grasp biblical concepts that would have seemed like a foreign language to me when I was your age. You asked to be baptized in the Jordan River for your 8th birthday in June...ah hem...may have to order some water online and pour it into a pool here in Nashville sweetie...<br />
You are gifted. Things come naturally to you which will either serve you well or curse you, depending on whether you are spirit-filled or not. You are extremely successful to God and to us, if you become a wife, mother and lover of the Word and your God...even though this world will try to convince you that you need to do more. Your Daddy and I don't expect perfection from you and never will. I think you are one that has to be reminded of that each day and we always will. <br />
You have a heart for others in need and I pray that is never squelched by the cynicism of this world but only used to glorify God's kingdom. <br />
I have but one mission for you and that is for you to know that you are here on this earth to know Him and make Him known.<br />
<br />
My tender, sweet Gentry...<br />
<br />
Our family was wrapped into a perfect little package with our girl and our little prince. You screamed the loudest at birth out of all our babies and peed directly in my tummy the second you were born, but that all became ironic as we cuddled and nurtured our sweet boy. You are content. You are gentle and tender and sweet and calm and loving. You are empathetic which I am told is more difficult for boys, especially little ones. I can trust you alone for not minutes but HOURS. You have a sense of right and wrong and concern for upsetting your parents which makes you choose the best option...not ALL of the time, but more often than your siblings. You are the only child at this point who shows extreme gratitude over gifts given to you...stopping to wrap your arms around my legs and thank me repeatedly in the middle of your day, for that special gift you were given one week earlier. You love to stop what you are doing and hug my leg to tell me that you are so thankful God gave you the best mother in the world. You melt my heart. Your smile has always been a beacon of light into my soul, especially on days when I am weary with the tasks of motherhood. Your sister is your lifeline. She is so nurturing to your spirit in so many ways and your brothers are such a blessing to your playtime...not necessarily to your parents at all times, ah hem, but certainly to your fun side. You are stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and take the prize for the most whiny Delk toddler but I am pleased to announce that you have passed that torch. Your laugh and giggle are infectious and once you get going, there is no stopping your giggling fits. I have to draw you out to learn about your thoughts but once you feel safe and heard, you can talk all day long. :) You have a knack for art, especially painting and drawing and Dev says you have a real gift of creativity. I love your voice and I love your heart for the homeless and needy this past month. I love all the ways you brighten our life each day. <br />
I have but one mission for you and that is for you to know that you are here on this earth to know Him and to make Him known.<br />
<br />
<br />
My precious Easton...<br />
<br />
God knows each of us so well and he knew EXACTLY what I needed and when it would be best, even when I didn't. You are my precious saving grace. You are my constant reminder that joy and light and life live on, even when you think your world is ending. You my dear one, came during the hardest year of my life. Just when I lost my beloved brother, God made you known to me, the very next day in fact. You saved me. You made me eat and pray and hope and take care of myself when I would have otherwise refused to do so. God knew I needed you. And from the second you were born, you have been keeping us on our toes ever since. You were a compliment to me...that the God of the universe believed I had the strength in that year to raise three babies, grieve and have a resident husband. And the even more beautiful gift is that I am constantly seeing your Uncle in your spirit. You are like him in so many ways which is an amazing blessing to you and oftentimes a stressor to your mother. :)<br />
Even from birth you stood out. You were the only Delk baby with dark brown hair! We were so excited! And it stuck straight up which was a sign for things to come in your little personality. You are simply hilarious and our home delights in all the ways you make us laugh. You are magnetic, exuberant, passionate, silly, comedic, brilliant and fun. You have mad tumbling skills. Your contract work is amazing and you are responsible for a large percentage of my blog ideas. Just when I thought you were going to wear pull-ups until you were ten, you pulled through buddy and you are rockin' it! I cannot TELL you how many times I shake my head at you...dumbfounded...wondering where you get it...only to realize that you are exactly like me. :) <br />
You are my snuggle bug which I love, because I wasn't sure if we would ever get you there since you were always on the go. You are curious, adventurous, fearless and your imagination is sensational. I have no doubt that your winning personality will be used to engage people and to hopefully foster in you and those you meet, a love for the Lord. Thank you for bearing with me as we struggled MIGHTILY to get to your fourth birthday buddy. We are doing good since then aren't we? :) <br />
I have but one mission and that is for you to know that you are on this earth to know Him and to make Him known.<br />
<br />
<br />
Our delicious Ransom....<br />
<br />
You came to us in a season of respite and joy. You were the last missing piece to making this family feel so complete. I have gotten to enjoy and delight in each day with you, so much more than my other babies. I wasn't new to the experience, realized how fast it goes and knew you could be my last. Our life circumstances no longer contained all of the incredible weariness and stress and strain as the previous years did and for that you were blessed with parents who could enjoy you. You were expected to be Easton's little best friend and you have not disappointed. Though I am not fond on the ways you punch and kick him to defend yourself, I delight in all the other ways you make our home so joyful. I have called you "Delicious" for many reasons my sweet baby. Your spirit has always been one of contentment and joy and laughter and sweetness. You have always been an amazing sleeper and until the last month, have not asked for anything except food and water. I often have to search for you to find you because you wander the house, quietly playing until you get hungry and come seeking me out. :) You are starting to talk so much now which is so fun to hear what you have to say and it gives me a small glimpse into who you are becoming and who you will be. You still amaze me at all the things you understand and do, even though you cannot communicate verbally. You wake with a smile on your special little dimply face and you end your day with a hug and kiss. Your Daddy is your hero and you light up whenever you see him. You really do bring so much delight to each member of your family. Sissy, Gentry and Easton love to take responsibility for loving on you and helping you have what you need. They love to make you giggle and laugh and learn. I am so thankful for your precious spirit and the ways that God will use you to nurture and love others in your life. <br />
I have but one mission and that is for you to know that you are on this earth to know Him and to make Him known.<br />
<br />
I thank God for the gift of each of you individually, and for the gift of experiencing motherhood. I always thought that I would be responsible for teaching and training you...and I think I do, but I cannot TELL you all the ways God had a master plan in using it to teach and train me. I am still a piece of work and I am thankful that the God of the universe sees fit to mold me and use me and each one of us. Thank you so much for healing my soul.<br />
<br />
Gotta go, one of you is banging on the back door...annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-61245829704432058712012-02-28T23:22:00.000-08:002012-02-28T23:22:57.230-08:00In Memory of Pepper the Rabbit...Disclaimer: Please do not read if you are a member of PETA or have a weak stomach or if you have ever held me in any type of high esteem...oh, and this is meant to be funny, at least all the people who have heard this so far have laughed! :)<br />
<br />
I am about to tell you a story that has stood the test of time and never disappoints....well, this and my middle school dance videos where I fell not one but TWO years in a row. Anyway, when I was just a wee little child, I asked my parents for a pet rabbit. Naturally, because I was simply delicious, my parents couldn't say "No." We started with a black and white rabbit named Rio, but she was cranky and she bit so she had to go...so, we got to trade her for a dwarf angora rabbit. This precious bunny was small, but his long, soft gray hair made him appear to be average size. I named him Pepper.<br />
<br />
And so began our story together. I was told by our friend/rabbit salesmen that Pepper was shipped by plane to his home and he was pretty sure that the pressure and elevation had messed him up because he often ran in circles....constantly was more like it.<br />
<br />
I spent many a day enjoying my sweet rabbit....stroking his soft fur. I can almost feel it to this day...big sigh. Anyways, we had very cold winters of course in Washington state and out of the kindness of my heart, I put a bath towel in the cage with my sweet bunny to keep him from being cold and to keep his little feet from being sore on the cage. Unfortunately, I didn't think through the fact that he still ran in circles because of his...ah hem...altered mental state. So, needless to say, we came home one day to find that he had shredded the towel and gotten the strings repeatedly wrapped around his foot and it had killed his foot. His foot was all purple and gangrenous...pretty wretched really. My mom decided she wasn't willing to pay a vet bill for what she called our "Jacked-Up Three-Legged Rabbit" so because the tissue was dead, she cut the foot off with some old scissors!!! For the sake of her reputation, let me add that this is the same woman who once gave CPR to her kitten and succeeded!<br />
<br />
Deep breaths...count to ten...ok. I wish I could promise it gets better people. So, several months went by...life happened and I got bored with Pepper. Until one day that is. One day that will live in infamy...<br />
<br />
It was sixth grade....back when big Smurf glasses were in and when I thought my mom's home perms were perfection. I looked like the letter L with my size 9 faux Keds and my skinny body...no breasts to speak of and no boyfriends either. So, I needed something to brag about, people. <br />
<br />
That's right. This is where Pepper comes in. I lived directly across the street from my school...convenient for when you forget your science homework but not so convenient when your mom drives the local bookmobile...<br />
<br />
Anyway, I am getting off track. So, I spent the WHOLE day talking up my rabbit Pepper. On and on I went...about how you could make sweaters out of his fur because it was so rare and valuable, about how he survived and prevailed in spite of having only 3 feet...etc, etc... until I had a crowd all hyped and ready for the bell to ring. Schools out and we all trudge over to my backyard filled with anticipation of what was to come....kids were thrilled with the idea of seeing a real live rabbit, and I was full of expectation of being the coolest thing in town.<br />
<br />
Much to our surprise, and my dismay, Pepper's cage was EMPTY. We were scared, upset and on a mission from that moment on. We were going to find Pepper if it took us all day. So, we put a plan together and went in search of my beloved Pepper. We scoured the entire neighborhood for at least two hours until we finally ended up defeated and at my back door.<br />
<br />
Just then, my mom opens the screen door. Picture it...I am standing a few feet in front of a handful of exhausted and expectant sixth graders. They are all lined up behind me panting from exhaustion.<br />
"Mom! Where is Pepper?! We can't find him anywhere! We have looked everywhere!"...to which my Mom responds in a flat tone...<br />
<br />
"Annette, Pepper died two weeks ago. We were waiting to see how long it would take you to notice."<br />
<br />
Hmmm....not really what I was expecting...you can imagine my dismay and my...uh...awkwardness as I sheepishly looked over my shoulder at the slumped shoulders of my peers. They filed off one by one to their homes for dinner. If one of you is reading this right now, this is a shout out to you for hanging in there with me through those next few years. I apologize for any unnecessary trauma and for your wasted efforts to find my neglected rabbit.<br />
<br />
The good news? I've never tried having a rabbit again...annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-43409401692942548202012-01-21T21:42:00.000-08:002012-01-21T21:42:30.117-08:00Strep Throat, Spaghetti Sauce, A Family Tree and Some Poop...So, my day was filled with some...shall we say...unique things. My dear friend Devon arrived early to begin painting an incredible oak tree on my wall. I found an amazing idea on Pinterest that involves framing and hanging your family tree on the branches of a tree. Pictures to follow...:) Super excited!<br />
<br />
BUT, my other dear friends dropped in for a minute...exclaimed about how gorgeous the tree was and we began a fun conversation. And what do you think went through my children's heads? Yep, you guessed it. "Rock on! Mom is distracted! Let's go crazy. She won't notice until it's too late!". <br />
<br />
So, I had just finished some spaghetti and was about to dish up when my friends arrived. So, I am oblivious to what happened next. Gentry had one of those big bouncy balls, about the size of a baseball...and he chucked it across my kitchen and it bounced right into my big pan of spaghetti sauce. THEN, he thought it would be beneficial to fish the ball out with the spatula. With his first attempt, he missed the ball in the pot and flung a massive glob of spaghetti sauce all over my tile backsplash. Oh what FUN that must have been...because he proceeded to do that several more times. That is, until Dad found him and pointed it out to me. Wow, all I could do is laugh, the mess was so massive and my kitchen was so red. Needless to say, he got to clean up every last bit of it and though the whiny hour battle of getting him to complete it to my standards wasn't my favorite moment of the day...I am thankful to have taught him the lesson of consequences. I sure wasn't tackling that mess, I'll tell you that! Now, to see if he learned anything....I will let you know I am sure...<br />
<br />
Oh, and I bet you think that's all....I wish. Did I mention my sweet daughter was battling strep throat all day? Sweet thing was in need of some TLC so I was moving in several different directions today...you all have been there I am sure.<br />
<br />
During one of those moments, we're talking about 15 minutes here people...I sent Easton and Ransom up to their room to play. I remember commenting to Devon that the boys were awfully quiet...never a good sign. Turns out Easton had closed Ransom in the bathroom with him while he pooped. That right there wasn't the most thoughtful act if you ask me....sometimes it stinks to be the little brother. Buwahahah! I CRACK myself up. Buwhahhahah! (Obviously I need to go to bed.)<br />
<br />
Anyway, somehow Ransom got the bright idea to reach around his brother and fish out some poop from the toilet. Did this said brother think it was a good idea to stop him? Nope. I have no way of knowing whether or not he encouraged him...but let's just say I'm not ruling it out. So, after following the sounds of giggles I opened the bathroom door to find Ransom coated in brown dots smearing said poop onto my bathroom cabinets. Really?! Really?! <br />
<br />
I read in "Wild Things" that I should get used to asking "What were you thinking?!" when raising boys...but REALLY?!<br />
<br />
All I can say is pray for me...and while you're at it, you might want to say a prayer for THEM as well. <br />
Best part of the day though...my AMAZING tree...at least now I'll have photos proving where they have gotten all their craziness from...;)<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Nettyannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-44509931894633022192012-01-16T09:38:00.000-08:002012-01-16T09:38:42.833-08:00If You've Ever Been Prone to Judgement... I was young. It was cold in the sterile room. My heart was numb. I didn't feel...I didn't speak. I was scared. I was determined. My name was called. The hall was long and my mind was panicked. The doctor was male and it was my first pelvic exam...I was pregnant...and I didn't want to be. I was not given pain medication. I was given a woman's hand to hold...while I was told I would feel some "discomfort". <br />
<br />
I was screaming inside once the "procedure" began to abort my baby. I didn't consider it that though. It was simply "tissue" to me at the time. It was the most excruciating pain of my life until then...and since. I was asked if I was okay by a nurse with kind eyes filled with pity...but she was a stranger...and I was convinced that strength was what was required in that moment...so I didn't speak or cry out...just writhe on the table in agony. It's what I deserved right? Anyone who can voluntarily kill their own baby must be the lowest type of person...right? I sure thought so. For it is after that moment that I stopped crying...that I stopped loving...that I decided I didn't want or deserve children...that I began a very long journey of self-loathing. There isn't a judgement one can make that I didn't heap tenfold onto my shoulders. At one point, I decided that taking my own life would be best...and it wouldn't have been committing suicide, it would have been well-deserved murder for what I had done. No amount of achievements could atone for her death...no amount of fulfilled goals after were worth it. Nothing I did seemed like anything but a lie.<br />
<br />
The truth is that my baby went from a peaceful place to one of extreme trauma and passing...all in the name of...convenience...of "Choice"...of secrecy...of fear...of control on my life...of selfishness...of unmet goals for my life...of reputation.<br />
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I am free though and so is she. I am forgiven and so are you. I am free of what judgements you may pass toward me. I truly don't care what others think toward me now...that took a LONG time. It has been a LONG journey but God led me there and it is so joyous to be free from that weight. To know that my baby went straight into the arms of Jesus and she is waiting for me, while she dances with her Uncle...to rest assured that I am loved beyond words by God and by her...that she understands now and is gracious to her mother and is waiting to meet her parents one day.<br />
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We use all sorts of heartless humor in our culture...we make light of people's pain without even thinking about it..."Are you gay?!" Well...someone is questioning it. And they are hurting and unsure and terrified of being vulnerable enough to let us know it for fear we are going to crush them...and we just might...."What are you? Smokin' crack?!"...well, one of my heroes is and they are ashamed and hurting and they don't know what to do about it...and they are still my hero. "Is that baby yours or is it a brother from another mother?!"...have you ever been trapped in that pain and shame before?..."Man, aren't you grumpy! Aren't you getting any?!"...well the truth is, that spouse hasn't felt genuine love and intimacy from their betrothed in several years. None of these are funny. There IS a story behind every life...and we haven't walked in it.<br />
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And chances are one of these people are sitting in the room with us at some point...and they are hiding and in pain. And we have the potential to help heal and to show grace and to LOVE...and CERTAINLY if we proclaim to follow Christ...we can't forget the gospel and what it meant and what it came to do for us. Am I condoning abortion? Absolutely not! I wish it never existed but I AM certain that many christians are responsible for thousands of them due to religion's nature to lack grace and condemn and judge when one finds oneself caught in his or her own sin.<br />
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We have to be VERY, VERY careful with our words....they have the power to give LIFE or they have the power to DESTROY. Don't get me wrong...I've been there and will probably sin in that again. We all judge at some point or another....but my experiences are now leading me on a path to stop this...to hide from nothing and to own everything...no matter how ugly...and to hopefully set someone else free in the process.<br />
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Our God is a God of healing, of forgiveness and of love. He wants you to turn toward Him and to feel peace and joy and love like no other source can give. We have to recognize our need for repentance and forgiveness with humility before we cast the first stone...annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-71384687031512919452012-01-12T12:11:00.000-08:002012-01-12T12:11:39.647-08:00Boudoir Night... It started out as one of those unforgettable nights where your girlfriends persuade you to throw an impromptu slumber party...even though you've repeatedly told them you don't feel like it because you are still too bummed over your recent conflict with your honey just as he was leaving for work...and of course, THESE friends are the kind who tell you to get over yourself and to expect them in about an hour....that's what makes them so good.<br />
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After a couple hours of rich conversation and laughs, we get on the topic of feeling sexy and doing fun things for our husbands...to which I run upstairs to pull out my really cool photo album from a previous boudoir photo shoot a decade earlier. They are shocked I had done it and loved the idea! To which I replied, "Heck yeah! And he LOVES this book!". So we of course decide it would be an amazing thing to do again...and we were so right!<br />
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So the professional photographer was hired as well as the professional make-up artist...the time and date and food was planned and prepared...and the kiddos and Daddy-O were conveniently placed in other places. The invitation was sent and the price was set...didn't know if we would have anyone up for the challenge but instead I had the maximum number met in less than an afternoon...with more wishing they could make it!<br />
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Then the real work began. The work of getting us wives to believe in our beauty...to believe in our incredible ability to intoxicate our husbands...to believe that every inch of our bodies are celebrated by our grooms. The work of reeling us back in when our panic set in about the reality of what we had signed on for. Not all were work, a ton were pumped and thank God for that...they had escaped those lies and their freedom inspired others that night in growth in this area. And what IS so wrong with having a blown up picture of your WIFE in your garage instead of a stranger...okay, okay...so it MIGHT be a little awkward when family visits...<br />
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There were girls who tried to call and cancel but I wouldn't let them! There were women who texted the concern that they were fat or ugly or imperfect and therefore should stay home. My daughter read one of those over my shoulder and quickly responded with..."But that is so silly! Their husbands LOVE them and they aren't even fat! Besides it doesn't even matter because all that matters is that you are kind and loving to your husbands!" She was incredulous that a woman wouldn't live there instead. (For the record, Jaren is told how much her Mommy and Daddy love one another and that we have a very special relationship that is different from any other and part of that includes Mommy wearing very pretty stuff that Daddy likes because he thinks that I am beautiful. We feel that is much better than being curious and not having answers or a place to go to learn...and much better than learning from her equally confused classmates who don't have any idea either).<br />
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I couldn't help but be convicted when I heard my 6 year-old daughters words. Where had I gotten so off-track? What happened to my youthful innocence? Why...when I had been doing really great at granting myself grace and feeling peace...would I slip back into the old lies of our culture? Why did I have such high standards for my body when my body had been nothing but kind to me and had produced and fed four precious children? At what point did I start believing the lies of our culture that say I must be plastic...a fountain of youth...perfect. My husband sure hasn't been complaining about that body...only that I would work it a little more and gain some more confidence!<br />
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So the coaxing and encouraging calls were made and the house was packed with 15 amazing women. Some were there to create anniversary presents...some were there to give their hubbies the best birthday gift of their marriage to date...others were there to be fed TRUTH and to ROCK it with their superstar poses.<br />
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We all came with our ideas of what poses we wanted to try...some involved the hood of a truck, others involved running medals around necks, others involved cowboy boots and a ton of sass. It looked like a lingerie bomb had gone off in my house, and it was awesome! <br />
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Girls are raised to be so modest and that's not altogether a bad thing but we aren't taught to feel comfortable naked, and then comfortable naked in front of our husbands...much less half-naked in front of other girls. It was a lesson in how much more confident a woman became when she had her friends cheering her on...whooping and hollering and telling her how amazing she looked and how much her hubby was going to LOVE what she was doing for him...and for herself! And you wanna know what? I dare say that the largest women there were the most confident and the thinnest women there had the hardest time going through with it. There were even several tears...but girlfriends can be amazing encouragers.<br />
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And in the end, we had a viewing party where all of us got back together to see the finished products...to laugh together and to exclaim how AMAZING everyone looked. It helped to hear others compliments. It was so great to hear some exclaim, "I had NO IDEA I could look that beautiful! I can't believe how pretty I am!". <br />
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I got emails, texts and phone calls for at least a month afterward...stating how much that night blessed their sex lives, their confidence, their body image, their relationships with their husbands. Culture and sadly, even christian culture, can try all they like to persuade me that I am doing something wrong by being sexual with my husband but I will not believe that. I will claim TRUTH...that sex in marriage is a gift and one God INTENDED for GOODNESS between a man and wife. <br />
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In the words of two brilliant people, Phyllis and Glenn Hill..."The world has let Satan claim sexuality for too long. People of the light abandoned sex, music, movies, Hollywood, entertainment, etc....and then looked back and said, 'There is only darkness in there'. We as Christians need to reclaim sexuality instead of running from it".<br />
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So, most of you who know me, know that I will talk on this subject and I will invite you to boudoir photo nights and passion parties. And that I will do my best to share my struggles in this area, my hurdles, my pains and my convictions...because it is TOO IMPORTANT and too fun not to.<br />
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annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-34088360544446938082012-01-04T10:02:00.000-08:002012-01-04T10:02:22.676-08:002nd Anniversary of My Loved One...Okay friends, I don't intend to be Debbie Downer these next few weeks but I am trying to transfer these annual entries from my grief journal, onto this site...April 11th will mark five years since my beloved big brother went to Heaven...so I have three entries to add before then.<br />
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Again, this is meant to bless anyone who has had a loved one go to heaven...or in case you haven't yet, and need to better understand my grief process and others...<br />
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<em>April 11th, 2009</em><br />
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<em> I'm on "your" bench at Radnor Lake and I've just now caught my breath. Only you could get me to hike! I think I just met an angel...or definitely someone God placed...literally...directly in my path. I had no idea where I was going today...just that I wanted to try to find your bench and write about you today. I had a couple directions and set off alone to find it...not certain I would. There was no other person when I began but then I noticed a woman walking above me about 20 yards...she provided a visual for where the path wound around the hill so I quietly followed behind. I was roaming the terrain looking for a bench that had your initials and your beloved Ali's carved in red...the sight where you proposed to her...</em><br />
<em> Once I topped the hill...I saw a bench...but I also saw the woman lying down on it on her back with her eyes closed...how to politely explain to this woman what it TOOK for me to get to this place...alone...today. There was no other way around it, I had to disturb her so I could see if it was the right bench. She sat up and my heart skipped a beat and broke all at once...there were your initials carved in your signature penmanship.</em><br />
<em> The woman was odd and I had an agenda and a STRONG desire to be alone to write but she didn't seem to GET that. She stayed on one end of the bench and I on the other...I didn't talk, just got out my journal and began writing...secretly hoping she would get the hint. She started asking me questions and I told her why I was there. She told me HER brother MIKE was killed a year ago and felt we must have been meant to meet. She sat awhile while I wrote...not really sure what to do with the awkwardness of the situation...soon she said she was going to leave and give me some privacy but that she wanted me to have the necklace she was wearing...she gently lifted them from around her neck and placed them in my outstretched hand. She said they were green jasper beads. I'm not real sure what she said exactly because as usual, I wasn't trying to be a good listener. She said the beads/rocks are meant to open your heart and that she hoped I was able to open my heart and that they would help me to do the necessary work it takes to get through our pain and grief. She placed them in my hand and I thanked her in the best voice I could make and she walked away...leaving her lingering and good perfumed scent behind...my eyes followed her until she was no longer visible...my heart aware of how supernatural the whole thing just was.</em><br />
<em> Yet again, I am reminded of signs all around each of us who are still here mourning your loss. People, objects, symbols, animals, birds....God is constantly reminding us that He hurts with us, He grieves with us and that He heals our hearts...even when it seems an impossible task.</em><br />
<em> Once again, I found myself waking on this day and looking at Easton as my time reference to how long I have survived without you. I'm always struck by how long it's been since I've seen you...that his life was just beginning when yours was just ending here on earth. And now, he's talking and running and pitching fits.</em><br />
<em> I miss you so much...in so many ways...I'm often caught off guard at how many times and how many ways I'm reminded of you and the hole I feel in my heart each time I'm reminded that you aren't her in the flesh anymore. Thank God for Michael, Ali and Mel. You would be so proud of each of them. I'm trying to take care of your girl for you, as are all of us. She's so strong, graceful, beautiful and resilient...and she loved you so, so much. I am so thankful to have her in my life.</em><br />
<em> Most of all, I want you to know that you are still here in so many ways and that your life was one that lives on forever in each of us. You were unforgettable and your humor and your ability to love left us with innumerable memories that bring us joy and make us laugh in spite of the pain.</em><br />
<em> Thank you for the life you led and the love you gave so freely. It helps the pain sometimes to think about what you might say in different circumstances that arise for me...just hiking up here, exercising for the first time in years, I could hear you cheering me on...SPECIFIC words of encouragement that only you would say to me.</em><br />
<em> Two years seems like a good amount of time but I'm still waiting for all of this to get better. In some ways, I can feel the peace and comfort growing but in so many other ways, missing you still takes my breath away and I find myself gasping for air....the pain is so great. There aren't enough words to express how much I miss you brother. I look forward to seeing you again for eternity.</em><br />
<em> I pray that I make you proud with the rest of this life I must live. I pray for peace in my heart about your secrecy with me. I pray for peace about living through the night of your passing. I pray I don't feel a loss like this again. I pray I use this experience to bless others in pain. </em><br />
<em> I know I have a lifetime ahead of me of joy and laughter and love. I wish so much you could enjoy my children...and the futures they have. Thank you for loving me the way you did. It was a rare gift and one I will hold near to me and treasure all my life. I love you always. You are with me always...till we meet again...</em><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXSV3f3QAF6m5iYIl0oeeAURH_ecXpLyBpg8VybafzJVVJ9wdumR2UUVvttRYRx6lmuK5y6ILq3C8mK-aPANWDd1VXeu7QGvQVXmb0FWtvm5oMrR-5lraCj-q-rf-x-Jf0-47pFks9veM/s1600/Radnor+Journal+Photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXSV3f3QAF6m5iYIl0oeeAURH_ecXpLyBpg8VybafzJVVJ9wdumR2UUVvttRYRx6lmuK5y6ILq3C8mK-aPANWDd1VXeu7QGvQVXmb0FWtvm5oMrR-5lraCj-q-rf-x-Jf0-47pFks9veM/s320/Radnor+Journal+Photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-60084478237070635912011-12-26T09:16:00.000-08:002011-12-26T09:16:56.997-08:00Katie Davis' Brilliance...Katie Davis, (a remarkable young, single woman who has now adopted 14 daughters in Uganda) in her book "Kisses From Katie" says it best...if you feel convicted, please go to <a href="http://www.amazima.org/">www.amazima.org</a> and help in any way you can....become an advocate for adoption, adopt one or several precious children into your loving home, pray for the orphans of this world and how you can help, or give of your financial resources to bless those who are being the hands of feet of Jesus and/or waiting to bring their babies home...<br />
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"Today, about a year after naming this ministry AMAZIMA, I stand in awe of the truth with which God has presented me. In Uganda, I strive to teach my children and all children in our program and in our villages "the truth" of Christ. I know I cannot walk into a village and tell a child that Jesus loves her. She cannont comprehend that because, chances are, she has never been loved. I have to feed her, clothe her, care for her, and love her unconditionally as I tell her that I love her. Once she can understand and see my love, I can begin to tell her about a savior who loves her even more. That is the truth for these children-that they are loved, that they are valuable, that they will not be left as orphans but that they have a plan and a hope for the future. What a beautiful truth.<br />
I have a young friend named Maria. The truth is that Maria had never had a bath before I took her home and gave her one. The truth is that Maria is sent from her home in the slum outside of Jinja to beg on the streets for food, and no one in Uganda wants to touch her or help her or cares that she is sick. The truth is that Maria is just like you or me. A person. Real. A child of the King.<br />
Meet Rose and Brenda. The truth is that they are orphans. Abandoned and living in an orphanage. Now two of 143 million. The truth is that when they go to bed at night no one tucks their blankets in around them and kisses their foreheads. The truth is that when they woke up, frightened, in the dark, no one runs to comfort them. The truth is that due to someone else's carelessness, Brenda will die of AIDS.<br />
Meet David and Bashir. The truth is that these precious little boys were child soldiers, abducted, sold as property, and forced to kill. Now that the war is winding down, they are not permitted back in their villages because they are seen as traitors, so they beg on the streets.<br />
And the truth is that these are only the children I know, in a very small fraction of the very small country. The truth is that there are children like this all over the world, sick, starving, dying, unloved, and uncared for.<br />
<strong> The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be christians.</strong><br />
<strong> The truth is that if only 8 percent of the christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left. </strong><br />
<strong> This is the Truth. I have the freedom to believe it. The freedom, the opportunity to do something about it. The truth is that He loves these children just as much as He loves me and now that I know, I am responsible."</strong><br />
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annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-21475004526621716742011-12-21T08:15:00.000-08:002011-12-21T08:15:42.393-08:00Holiday Letter...Well, here we are again and another year has past. Thought I would share with you a few things just to say that I did...<br />
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Michael is still dashingly handsome and takes home the best husband award for yet another year. He is still working his tail off saving lives and, in my opinion, is only missing his cape when he heads out the door. He has his financial excel spreadsheet memorized like no other. He still loves playing online poker and the great news is, since he manages when and for how long he plays, it no longer ruins our everyday existence as a married couple....progress! :) He got a new truck after sixteen years and it makes him so much hotter...I don't care what you think of me for saying that...it just does. He can still lay down some mean dance moves and makes us all laugh with his quick wit, wink and sideways grin. He is a celebrity in our home for his loyalty to us, his tireless sacrifices to provide for us and be intentional and directed in loving each one of us. He is still the love of my life and the best gift God has ever given me. You're gonna want to punch me for saying it but I love him more and more each year...it's true.<br />
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I am still doing...blah, blah, blah...okay...let me think here. Hmmm, I am still a ROCK STAR in my own home. Everyone wants me. Everyone needs me. Everyone looks to me to meet their every need. Yeah, that's how we roll. My role effects my home and the people I love most, eternally. It's big people. It isn't just eating bon bons and, I love it! I wouldn't have it any other way...even when I'm woken up at 4 a.m. with my son peeing on my back while he spoons me. I am still a pampered, doctors wife but I have four children under seven, homeschool and keep my house pretty straightened so I can't be all THAT bad. right? I am still doing whatever I can to make my hubby feel like the most cherished man on earth. I started a blog! And about ten people read it and I am having fun forcing people to listen to my thoughts. Working on a project about my past to share my testimony with others...I am excited for what the future holds...stay tuned.<br />
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Jaren is the smartest, most capable seven year old to walk the earth and she is involved in every program that they will let us put her in...ok, so maybe not but she IS still my FAVORITE daughter. She is still a 40 year old in a seven year olds body. She is still my right-hand gal and she still shows absolutely no fear at every piano recital which blows me away since I once panicked and had to be shoved with incredible force onto the stage...not that I am still holding onto that or anything MOTHER. She is reading a 350 page book right now, multiplying and can recite whole psalms of scripture so we must be doing something right with this whole homeschool thing. More importantly, she is the lead instigator in our nightly family dance-offs and an incredibly loving big sister. Last night we had some girl time where she and I put Barbie make-up on and the results were slightly frightening. She has a servants heart and a heart for others in need. We are very, very proud of her but constantly tell her that even if she were completely stupid and untalented, we would love her just the same.<br />
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Gentry is looking more and more like Justin Bieber every day. I keep trying to claim some family resemblance with me but not many people want to give it to me. His smile still lights up my heart and any room. He is still sensitive and loyal and gentle and tender-hearted. He did absolutely nothing this past year except play, play and play some more....and we did that on purpose. He adores his little brother Ransom and has always had a special way with little ones. Ransom and him can often be found giving eachother hugs. He's working on phonics and learning to read, when we aren't snuggling, eating dinner and meals around the family table, reading aloud, giggling and dancing. His favorite word right now is BUTT. His smile also proceeds some sort of silly mischief against one of his siblings. He can ride a bicycle with training wheels like nobody's business. Gentry brings tenderness and love to our home. We adore him. He is often known for stopping what he's doing to come over and hug my legs and tell me, "Mom, I love you so much. You are the best Mommy in the world. I am so glad you are my Mommy." He is getting more in the will.<br />
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Easton is bringing me closer to Jesus each and every day...ok, so maybe that's not COMPLETELY true these days...he turned four which has always been a big breath of fresh air in our home with our children...it's the magical birthday. The world is his stage and we his audience. He makes us giggle every day. He gives me all sorts of things to pray about. He gives me all sorts of blog ideas. I learned this year that God has given me three boys to humble me. I learned that the majority of my frustrations with mothering Easton had to do with me and not this precious and silly and wonderful little boy. He survived a complex pneumonia VATS surgery in September which we are very thankful for. There were multiple times when the medical staff where surprised by his progress but we were not...we know prayer works! He is finally getting his weight back on. We are pretty sure he will be completely potty-trained when he is ten. He hasn't learned much this year either...except how to play a lot, use his imagination, obey better, clean up after himself, use appropriate language and love his siblings. We did that on purpose as well. Easton makes our home a fun one. Our house wouldn't be nearly as wonderful without him in it.<br />
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Ransom is...well, have any of you SPENT any time with him? I am slightly biased but he is delightful. Delicious. A bright light in our home. Adorable. He still poops in his diaper but we are giving him some grace, afterall, he is only 19 months. He loves to roam the house and giggle at Easton's antics. He can often be found standing on my kitchen table. He was caught last night standing on my kitchen island after he pulled our bench over to it....hmmm... He has started getting a bit of an attitude and hitting others...something I saw in my other children at age 15 m. so I was kinda hoping THIS one DIDN'T get the sin gene. He has started that whole..."Look Mom, I don't think you GET it?! I am WALKING now. YOU can't tell ME what to do. I rule this world." Ah-hem. We get to look forward to training this one out of the self-entitlement mentality as well. He has gotten more of my peace and delight than the other children did...so many life circumstances are different now. There are times when I am sad to put him to bed because that means I won't see him for awhile. My cup runneth over with this delightful child....with each of them.<br />
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The other day, Daddy-o came in late from work and woke me up on accident...Jaren had a bad dream and wanted to sleep on our floor...Easton crawled in bed on one side of me to snuggle at 7 a.m. and then Gentry followed close behind and curled up on the other side of me. Both boys wanted me to scratch their backs. There was a time when I was too selfish, weary and exhausted to think of any of that as anything but an inconvenience to me. There are still moments when my mind rushes there...but I was so thankful that morning to stop and smell the roses and shed tears of gratitude...my cup runneth over in that moment and the peace our home is creating is so worth the training and hard work. <br />
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This past year, my dear friend Tami and I decided to be FIERCE! I am getting there. I have enjoyed several moments of it. I am learning to lay down a ton of my own made-up voices and believe God's truths. They have brought peace and freedom like nothing else ever will. I am thankful. I am spoiled. I am blessed. <br />
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My family and I pray you are laughing, delighting in your children if you have them, cherishing and honoring your spouse if you have one and feeling the peace of Christ in your heart. <br />
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With all sorts of love,<br />
Annette and the familyannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-4375459203356835732011-12-01T19:55:00.000-08:002011-12-01T19:55:54.983-08:00Christmas Crazy...Alright people...I love Christmas about as much as anyone I know, and the kids and I are feeling it. We are having dance-offs to every holiday station we can find right now. We are finally enjoying that it's dark at 4:45 p.m. because when we are out and about, we can spot Christmas lights. We even had hot cocoa with mini marshmallows and candy canes, we have even decorated and sipped on some eggnog...<br />
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BUT, I am also finding myself being sucked in to the vortex of Elf on a Shelf, The Advent Calendar and the latest...The Light them Up Service Project Calendar. Last week, I got an incredible video from a family...where instead of doing a holiday card, they made a five-minute video of their last year. It was sensational and you know who you are. I LOVED it. It's just that all these things have bombarded me with a whole different level of standards for us mommy's and my spirit is so unsettled with it. If you love it, go for it. If you find joy from it...great. If you're kids learn service from it? Who the heck am I to frown upon it? It's just that I feel the need to be able to do all of them too...simultaneously. I know, I am a dork.<br />
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Am I known for having too high standards of myself? Yep.<br />
Am I known for trying to do everything others are doing? Yep.<br />
Am I known for trying to have everything done picture perfect? Yep.<br />
Am I known for thinking that if others are doing it, I should be able to pull it off too? Even though my circumstances are totally different than theirs? Check.<br />
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So...you can see my dilemma. Thank God I have people in my life who can snap me back to truth. Thank God for his word. Thank God for prayer. Thank God I can right myself again and remind myself to take a deep breath and chill out. Each of the things listed above are great things in and of themselves...it's just that combined, they add up to too much.<br />
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And I can't help thinking that in all of it, we are raising the standards higher and higher for ourselves as mothers. What ever happened to the days when you were a great Mom simply because you baked some cookies, served a few people in need in some discreet way and poured some eggnog for your kids a few times? I can't help thinking we are shooting ourselves in the foot ladies. And, I am sure I will get on another soapbox soon about how every time I turn around...there is another rule about TV being from the devil or anything that isn't organic being toxic or trick or treating being a terrible choice for my children...at some point it becomes my deal and I have to choose to create my home the way I choose with the principles I believe in...if only I could lay down that burden and need for approval that I have in me...lay it down 24/7 and never, ever face it again. :)<br />
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Or maybe I am the only one who does a mental freak out when I'm given another blog to read about the next list of ways you too can be an amazing christian mother if you too do this next thing...it's all with great intention. It's all with a great purpose in mind but I tend to read all of them and panic. Maybe it's just down here in the bible belt...<br />
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So, today I have decided to lay all that down and choose to be peacefully content with doing what I have always done. It's enough. It's loving and full of service and godly...but I am avoiding the checklists. Big sigh. Now, I just need your prayers that I won't pick that back up in an hour. :)<br />
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Maybe the next best thing might be to turn off my computer for the next month!? :)<br />
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With love and in need of a Saviour,<br />
Annetteannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-12375333144133161162011-11-07T19:53:00.000-08:002011-11-07T19:53:52.574-08:00If You Too Wrestle With Self-Depracation....I have wrestled with having high expectations of myself all my life...anyone who knows me has probably lectured me on granting myself grace. I wish I could tell you I had mastered this today but it still lingers in different ways in my life. The great news is, I am finally believing truth and laying down a ton of that extra weight. It feels incredible. I feel free. I feel peace.<br />
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If you've been there, you might like this excerpt from a bible study Amy Garrison blessed me with last year...<br />
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We are simple people. You can't remember ten things at once. Invariably, if you could remember ONE true thing...you'd be different. Connect one bit of Scripture to one bit of life...apply one relevant thing from our Redeemer to one significant scene in your story. Bring one bit of the Bible to one bit of your life...You can't deal with it all at once. Scripture never does...life goes one step at a time.<br />
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So we see that the mark of true spirituality doesn't require ten giant steps forward. One step at a time is sufficient. In fact, you could argue that choosing one area of growth in godliness is an expression of humility. It's a humble acknowledgement of our serious limitations as "simple people". <br />
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And what's more, growth in one area almost always affects every other area of our lives. So rather than lament about the twenty ways we need to grow in godliness, let's be encouraged that as we isolate just one and devote ourselves to change in that area, by the grace of God it will affect the other nineteen.annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-92141262230683793562011-11-07T19:36:00.000-08:002011-11-07T19:36:11.027-08:00Books I Love and Why...Oh man, have I been truly blessed this year with some amazing books! For those of you who are avid readers...you know what I am talking about...the joy of finding a great read. A book you can't put down because it transforms your thinking and after reading it, you're forever changed. It's been one after the other since March and so I thought I would share them with you. I feel like I could sit at a book club and talk for hours about each one of these books. Hope they bless you as well!<br />
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1) "Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo...because I've lost someone and it brought me peace and hope and forever changed my perspective on Heaven.<br />
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2) "The Shack" by William P. Young...because it was the best depiction for me so far, of what God's grace actively looks like.<br />
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3) "Have Heart" by Steve Berger...because they knew my pain and they forever changed my perspective on how close Heaven and Earth really are...that are loved ones who have passed are still very alive, active and aware of us here.<br />
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4) "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore...because it showed me how ignorant I was to homelessness and just how much I needed to be taught about it.<br />
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5) "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett....because racism was and is real and it's disgusting. It made me ashamed to be white...as I think it should have.<br />
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6) "Kisses From Katie" by Katie Davis...because their is a stirring within my spirit to do more and to live differently and to walk by faith alone. Her story blew me away. I am forever changed.<br />
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7) "Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe" by Todd Wilson...because it is freeing and hilarious and it has taught me to take a deep breath and enjoy my days.<br />
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What are some of your favorite reads? I am always looking for a great read...got any ideas for me?<br />
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With love,<br />
Annetteannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-79622179507085860462011-11-02T21:18:00.000-07:002011-11-02T21:18:52.654-07:00Thankful...Just had an incredible night with some incredible friends...riding the high from cultivating friendships...what a blessing it is so be able to meet people you instantly connect with. So thankful for people who are open, real, teachable, fun, transparent, seeking, wise and humble. It is so freeing to be with people who share your same struggles and get what you are all about. It feels like a gift from God tonight...to be able to have done that. We were able to laugh about the funny things our children say to us, laugh off our extra belly weight, compare notes on how we run our home school day and squelch some of our fears...<br />
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I know God gave us community and team ship for a reason and I am thankful to have it in my life. I am thankful, like always, to hear Ali sing and to see her filled with joy...to hold my nephew Maddux in my arms and to hug Ali's new husband and constantly be reminded that God heals and restores us if we ask and if we let him...<br />
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I am thankful for getting a sitter and having a night out so I can be refreshed and filled...which ultimately blesses my children and my marriage... I am thankful that I don't let guilt talk me out of that...for knowing it's value and feeling it's benefits.<br />
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I am thankful for my husband who works crazy hours to bless this crazy home we have. I am thankful for all my babies who are tucked in safe to sleep and for the hope of a new day tomorrow...hearing their giggles, squabbles and playfulness.<br />
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And I am thankful for God and the peace Jesus brings my spirit...that hope, that friendship and that peace. Thank you Father for reminding me to delight in my life. I've been given so much.<br />
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In Him,<br />
Annetteannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-34026305656139905152011-10-20T16:00:00.000-07:002011-10-20T16:35:31.753-07:00First Anniversary of My Loved One<div align="center">Most of you know that my beloved brother went to live with Jesus 4 1/2 years ago. He was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident at the age of 36. He was irreplaceable to me and one of my very, very best friends. This blog comes from the journal I have kept since then. This is for all of you who have lost a loved one to death and need to know you are not alone and it is for those of you who haven't lost a loved one and may be blessed by having a window into someones grief.</div><div align="center"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: left;">April 11th, 2008</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">One year. 12 months. 365 days. Today marks one year since Michael died. How did that happen? How did so much time pass? I feel like it will always feel it happened yesterday and at the same time, I still can't believe it happened at all. I'm even holding a four month old baby, today marks four months in fact. How does life still go on?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">How to write down all the many thoughts and reels of memories that run rampant through my mind on a daily basis? I've spent the morning pulling out old video footage, fast forwarding through tape after tape...searching for any little bit of him I can find. I want to see him ALIVE again-desperately. I think it will help somehow but it's no different than seeing him alive in my mind- it's painful. I love to see him in my mind and memorize his mannerisms, voice, smile, different laughs, mischievous looks, hearing him call me "Sister"...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Ah-ha! I found my first tape of him! But oh, how the tears come and I have to keep rewinding so I can actually see him after my vision clears. At the same moment, the sky opens up and a magnificent downpour occurs outside my living room window. It only lasts a minute and then all is completely quiet again...it's as if God wants me to know he's crying with me...crying because he loved him even more than I could possibly imagine and he hurts with me for the pain we both know Michael endured on this earth.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm grateful for feeling God's presence...it's not the first time I've felt Him with me the past 12 months. There is now my red-tail hawk sightings at just the perfect moment that bring me such peace and remind me that God is with me through the pain.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Michael would think all of this is nonsense-this whole honoring stuff, the tears...Mel, Michael, Ali and I do plan to laugh today as well. On the list of must have movies tonight will be Dumb and Dumber, What About Bob, Grumpy Old Mel and perhaps Spinal Tap...all movies that became part of his speech.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I'm grateful for all of the blessings I have been handed in my life. I know he would want me to spend this day, and any day, being at peace with myself and happy. I spent the earlier part of the morning marveling at what a precious gift Easton is, named after his Uncle. That too was a time of gratitude toward God for knowing what I needed this year even when I didn't. He is so beautiful and content and loving and he brings me so much comfort and peace...holding him...receiving grins and giving to him. My children are the very reason I've continued to live and live well in spite of my indescribable loss. They have no idea what any of it means and their ignorance is what fuels my healing- a very productive distraction if you will. They are also working on Michael's side probably to keep me from dwelling on the pain and moving on...just like he would want me to.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Then there is the still present shock and disbelief that my hero and friend is gone and the disbelief that this is actually part of my life story...all the other pains and joys seem to fit but not this one. It is still too shocking and great to accept. I remember screaming inside to God that night, "Please God, not him!! Anyone but him! Not my Michael! You KNOW what he means to me! This can't be happening!".</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">There has been such a fluctuating gamut of thoughts and they go in stages, usually a couple months at a time, then they cycle back. Shock, disbelief, anger, hurt, betrayal, denial, avoidance. Busyness is my friend...or so I think...thinking of others and doing for others my distraction. Stillness is my enemy...nighttime is when I can no longer escape from the truth and reality that his passing hurts so much that it takes my breath away and it is physically painful to face.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hasn't it been a year? Shouldn't I be over this by now? But this is an entirely different experience than anything I've ever known and I'm not being fair to myself. There isn't a perfect formula for grief and grief is messy.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Being in my big brothers presence was thrilling for me-like a kid in a candy store. I will always miss it. Oh, how thankful I am for the hope I have of being reunited with him one day in heaven. I look forward to that day but until then, I have a very amazing life to live and a legacy to create myself. I thank God for giving me an unusually close relationship with a brother and in spite of <span style="background-color: yellow;">the</span> overwhelming pain and loss, I am so grateful to have had him and thankful for the many ways that he will continue to live in my heart.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">If you're still with me, thanks for listening. I will keep adding each year to give you an idea of how my thoughts have evolved over the years. If you are experiencing the pain of loss, know that you are not alone.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">In Him,</div><div style="text-align: center;">Annette</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div>annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-17557214391950357732011-10-17T08:04:00.000-07:002011-10-17T08:04:14.641-07:00Things I Never Thought I'd Say OutloudI don't know about you, but I sure do spend a fair amount of time stunned at what must come out of my mouth while parenting. My husband and I often give one another a look over the heads of our children in disbelief and with quite a smirk on our faces as well. Here are a few of the things I never expected I would ever have to say out loud. Prepare yourself...<br />
<br />
<ul><li>That princess dress is for your sister to wear.</li>
<li>Do NOT lick my butt cheek.</li>
<li>Do NOT throw toys down the air return vent.</li>
<li>No, I do NOT want to see your penis.</li>
<li>Stop licking my arm!</li>
<li>Why are you covered in poop?</li>
<li>Do you have to poop or pee? (I have said this at least 2,345 times now)</li>
<li>Which finger did you put in your bottom?!?!</li>
<li>Why did you just drill a hole in my living room wall with Daddy's power tool?</li>
<li>Why did you push your brother down the (VERY steep) driveway backwards in a Radio Flyer?</li>
<li>You CANNOT play outside naked.</li>
<li>Stop poking my boobs!</li>
<li>You are not allowed to draw houses on my wall.</li>
<li>Why did you put Vaseline all over your baby brothers head?</li>
<li>You cannot paint with Lego's and your poop!!!!</li>
<li>Just go pee over there...no one is looking.</li>
<li>I don't have a free hand to answer that phone right now because I am pumping.</li>
<li>I feel like a dairy cow.</li>
<li>Would you like me to unlock the back door and let you back in? Are you done playing outside?</li>
<li>Yes, your penis WILL get bigger as you get older.</li>
<li>You cannot cover you and your brother with Elmer's glue.</li>
<li>I haven't slept six hours straight in almost 3 months.</li>
<li>Did he eat grapes yesterday? I saw them in his diaper this a.m.</li>
<li>I need a new shirt, this one just got poop all over it.</li>
<li>You are NOT allowed to pull Melissa's bathing suit top off while you are swimming with her!!</li>
</ul><br />
Share with me your audible surprises...let's all get a great laugh in today delighting in the fun and sometimes challenging parts of parenthood. It's always funnier when it isn't YOUR kid doing it, isn't it? I definitely need the reminder today to laugh more and freak out less...I don't usually find these things funny until AFTER the fact. :) <br />
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With love,<br />
Annette<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQnnjX2pjs8Ry8vusZI_JlwIL-iDfRAVCpBemy2Nwaz_wxuID6e-meFMzvdwCEOZRLIROsVhZ47nrj8oETzODCsku4JIPOEORTV1wtKtFG6hNymX-bJ6c-ReKykMku9Qis9ZSC9lyt4GU/s1600/IMG_0205.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQnnjX2pjs8Ry8vusZI_JlwIL-iDfRAVCpBemy2Nwaz_wxuID6e-meFMzvdwCEOZRLIROsVhZ47nrj8oETzODCsku4JIPOEORTV1wtKtFG6hNymX-bJ6c-ReKykMku9Qis9ZSC9lyt4GU/s320/IMG_0205.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-88871014795661789822011-10-15T08:47:00.000-07:002011-10-15T08:47:29.597-07:00We All Have a Story to Tell...I have experienced most of my family battling with alcoholism and/or drug abuse and the treatment centers that that required...depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, a devastating and life-altering abortion and the sudden, traumatic and tragic death of my beloved big brother...<br />
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I have also experienced God's tug on my heart, his healing power, being led across the country to follow him, baptism, the daily gift of my incredible husband, forgiveness, four beautiful children and one waiting for me in heaven, grace, salvation, joy, restoration, courage, strength, boldness, peace and faith.<br />
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I try to be a real person. I struggle with patience, insecurity, need for approval, perfectionism, image and granting myself grace.<br />
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I am drawn to people who are REAL. We need more of it! I have walked through many UGLY things in my life, but God's continued story of redemption in me is BEAUTIFUL.<br />
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I pray we are all experiencing the joy and freedom of having nothing to hide. What's your story? Are you telling it? Is God being glorified by it? <br />
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In Him,<br />
Annetteannetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-278166121083312058.post-54214628130754834062011-10-14T15:54:00.000-07:002011-10-14T15:54:05.593-07:00The Unpolished Version...<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Okay friends,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I realize that not all of you will relate to this but I'd like to think that there are others of you who have fallen guilty to the "Polished Bible Belt Mom" Syndrome. You know what I am talking about ladies...believing the lie that all other mothers besides yourselves run frolicking through a field of daisies singing at the top of their lungs. They never get upset with their perfectly well-behaved children and the organic vegetable garden they have is flourishing just outside their perfectly clean home...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">My new saying is that one tends to become an expert in something once they have failed miserably at it. This is true for me and the idol of image. I have fallen prey and been sucked into the lie that in order to be a great mother and wife, I need to have it all together and look like I have it all together. You see the above polished photo? All matching? All looking incredibly happy? That was ONE SECOND in the life of the Delk's. And, I might add...we still couldn't get everyone looking. :)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">What I have ruined in all of this, is any attempt for the need for Jesus, his grace and the ability to be real with others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">So, this is not meant to be self-deprecating, I realize that I do many things that are very intentional for my family...and I seek goodness, but it IS an attempt to be real with you, to hopefully make you laugh out loud and to remind us that God wants us to be free from those lies. </span><br />
<br />
<ul><li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">If you come to my house, one of my sons may grab your breasts or tell you he likes them.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I lose my temper at least once a day. (My daughter just came over and told me it was more than once. Humph!)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have a sailors mouth when I am really angry.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">My kids aren't bathed every day, not even every other day.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">My kids brush their teeth when they are bathed.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Some days, I do have favorites, and it's the child who isn't talking yet.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have to apologize to my children for my sins...regularly.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">All of the plants I bought two weeks ago for fall have already died.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I can be way too proud with my husband.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">If my children are left alone for more than 15 minutes, there's a good chance there will be 5-10 minutes of clean-up required.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">We home school, but we don't have our own garden, make our own bread or eat all organic and I've never worn a jumper.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">My children argue...often.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">There is a point when my "Demon...uh..Mom" voice comes out and all the kids take notice.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I could now entertain children working at Pizza Hut...making balloon animals out of my breasts.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">If you drop by, you will find a massive mountain of laundry, just as you walk in, on my dining room table...if you call first, I MIGHT throw it in a closet but more than likely, you still find it there.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I LIKE to keep my house organized and straightened, but don't lick my floors. I haven't mopped since 1996...and don't open any closets. You could get injured.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Ok, so maybe that's not altogether true...twice a month I have a cleaning service come. Yep, I'm THAT girl. See? It takes a team to keep this image up.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I often feel like I am failing at this whole motherhood thing.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I don't like art projects.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I think Playdoh and sandboxes are from the devil.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have a large roll on my stomach we have named "Biscuit". You can contort her into all sorts of shapes and pretend she's making funny faces. It's pretty cool really, except for when my son asked me last week if I had a baby in my tummy...</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have cellulite, a gnarly c-section scar and my breasts...see Pizza Hut statement.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I let my hair air dry the other day and my husband told me I looked like Axl Rose on a bad day.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I order pizza and cupcakes for my kids' birthday parties...and I've never rented them a clown.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I don't make goodie bags for the children who come to my kids' birthdays.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Sometimes I leave my children to play by themselves while I write a silly blog.</span></li>
</ul><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">So ladies, what's your unpolished version? Let's share in reality with one another shall we? Let's enjoy the peace and freedom God wants for us to live. You are perfectly designed to be the mother God wanted for each of your children. Let's enjoy the domain God has entrusted to us...let's laugh at ourselves, be free to believe TRUTH and giggle more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">With love,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Annette</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf1MUY3y605wBLpj7lwp4i_NihyphenhyphenFIMP2HbzgTLzkeDAFXOvOHcY2AXOPQYKfZ2NazRX6SV2yDc2LTqUKfmR9nBvmd1QqkfrQjoQ4vriQCRug9RzB2y7rMV7TkjDN5WyUbEdIRsD6cfDwA/s1600/IMG_1241.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf1MUY3y605wBLpj7lwp4i_NihyphenhyphenFIMP2HbzgTLzkeDAFXOvOHcY2AXOPQYKfZ2NazRX6SV2yDc2LTqUKfmR9nBvmd1QqkfrQjoQ4vriQCRug9RzB2y7rMV7TkjDN5WyUbEdIRsD6cfDwA/s320/IMG_1241.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>annetteandherdautherfillingin...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07510941682546101837noreply@blogger.com9