Monday, April 2, 2012

40th Birthday/Four Year Anniversary of My Loved One...

Once again, this is always meant to bless those who have lost a loved one in knowing that they are not alone.  And to help someone who hasn't, understand one person's road through grief.  Most of all, it's healing for me to write about this journey...one I never expected to take.

This will finally get me caught up on my journal entries over the years and lead up to this year's April 11th and the five year anniversary.  Warning:  It's a long one! :)


March 9th, 2011

     You would have been "40" today.  A milestone event, an enormous party planned, your joker self in full form, your storytelling, antics and famous smile on display...

     Today has been surprisingly tough, raw and emotional.  I feel the loss of you like a heavy weight on my spirit.  I want to feel your presence somehow...be still to see if God will give me some sort of supernatural experience today...just a tiny something so I can have you alive again for just a bit.  I know you are always near in whatever way you can be and that Kim Mikrut's words will stick with me.  She said that the Bible says that those who pass are all looking down on us as an army of witnesses to this life here.  She feels her father is watching over her.  If you are watching and witnessing my life, I hope you know that I still miss you every day.  I still hurt from the loss of you but I have hope.  You still lead me in unsaid ways, your example still instructs me.  Your jokes still live on.  Your smile is only a thought away.  Your words of encouragement are heard in my heart when I need them most.  I love you still.  I miss you always.



April 11th , 2011

So, here we are again...another year has come and gone.  We've survived another one without you.  More beautiful events have happened, more memories made, more laughter and joy have abounded.  My baby has grown and celebrated his 1st birthday!  We have moved into an incredible home that we cherish so much.  Michael actually got a new truck after 16 years!

And somehow I don't feel like I need to tell you all this, because somehow it's still as though you were with us through it all.  Your memory and what you gave each of us seems to carry you along on all these adventures with us.  The first thing we did when we moved in was hang your wedding photo on a nail left in the wall from the previous owners at just the perfect spot in our home.

There is still the loss just a thought away.  I wanted to share the excitement with you last week when Michael got his new truck.  I knew you would have been the best person to celebrate FOR him.  You would have been HAPPY for him...told him he deserved it...said all the reassuring things he needed to hear as he wrestled through all the internals of treating himself to something special.  And finally, we both said how much we would have wanted to give you "Thunder" since you always told us you would have wanted it if he ever got rid of it.  We would have trusted you to love him right. :)

And let's not forget the birth of Ali's son Maddux this year.  There is no doubt that you were with us in some way ar that God let us know he feels our pain.  It was not a coincidence that she went into labor 8 days early with her first baby, on your wedding anniversary of 9/5....her water broke at approx. 5:09 a.m. on 9/5 and Maddux was born at 5:09 p.m. on 9/5.

It was as if she was being given a new reason to celebrate that day...a gift from God to ease the pain of the memory of that day and to reassure her of how happy you would be that she was finding new joy. 

I had the privilege of being asked to share in that moment with her and Nate and Skyla and Phil.  It was a first for me and something I will never forget and always be thankful for.  Words cannot describe it!

At one point, she asked me to bring her three photos she had in her bag...one was a wedding photo of her and Nate....and two were of her climb of Mt. Adams with you.  She placed them upright beside her and began weeping, to which we all joined in...then we watched as she composed herself and used those photos specifically for strength.  She is so beautiful.  It took me too long to see the whole picture but I am so thankful now for the indescribable value she has in my life.

Which brings me to this morning...and my moment with "Barker" and Ransom.  Your beloved "Barker" stuffed dog, given to Jaren on her first birthday...and the hilarious story behind you parting with him.   And the many ways I have FIERCELY denied my children the privilege of playing with him because he was a gift from you.  So...atop the nursery boudoir he has sat, for over four years now...a gentle reminder of your "Best Uncle" award.  A reminder of how gentle, instructional, patient, adventurous, fun and kind you were to Jaren and Gentry and how you celebrated them and delighted in everything they did.

I have rocked three babies in my rocking chair next to "Barker" since your passing and nursed for countless hours.  It seems the only time I am still and even then I am rocking and nursing...a constant multi-tasker! :)  It is where I have thought of you repeatedly, processed and pondered my grief, strengthened my faith and looked up to smile at "Barker" enjoying the gentle reminder of your love for my family.

Atop the bureau he sits...very safe from any and all harm.  So this morning, I go in to get Ransom to quickly nurse him so I can hurry to Radnor before the 80% chance of thunderstorms hit for the day.  I am hurrying as usual, something you loved to tease me about, when I open the door to pull out an outfit for Ransom...and all of a sudden Barker nearly jumps off the top of his perfect spot and lands on the floor in front of my feet.

Hmmm...I'm thinking.  Coincidence?  Perhaps.  Whatever it was, it made me stop.  It made me know you were with me today.  It made me break into a wide grin.  It made me immediately picture you with your fist to your mouth giggling in your obnoxious practical joker way.  It made me cry.  It made me reach down, pick him up, kiss him and get Ransom to audibly giggle while I tickled his nose with Barkers.  Thank you for that God...for still giving me his presence when I crave it.

So that brings me to this moment.  I have made it to the top of this climb again and here I sit on "your bench" tracing my fingers over your MIKE + ALI penmanship....grateful for this small piece of your timelessness...writing quickly now because storm clouds have now made it here and my answered prayers are coming to an end with this weather...reflecting once again on your beautiful spirit and all the ways you are loved still and missed beyond any words. 

My first three years without you were complete shock.  Complete shock on nearly every level.  This year has been a year of acceptance.  And now I pray that my future holds healing and peace about your secrecy with me.  I know that God is a God of restoration and healing and hope...it's maybe the next step for me.

I am so thankful for ever reaping the benefits and blessings of knowing you, for receiving your love and protection and guidance.  Thank you for all the ways your faith strengthened mine and all the ways I still carry your lessons and wisdom with me today.  I love you today and for eternity and am thankful we will be together again one day.




P.S.  OH MY WORD!!  I just know you were here with me today!!

So, today is always my day to reflect, to ponder, to memorialize you...the weather ALL along has said there was an 80% chance of thunderstorms and heavy rain.  I'm bummed.  I REALLY wanted that one day out of the year to be sunny for my annual Radnor hike and journaling. It was over 80 degrees and sunny four days leading up to today...pondering...wondering what to do instead.  Mom is in town and offers to watch the kids so I can go...

It's the morning of and it's sunny!  It looks like it has the potential for clouds but it's sunny!  So I get on a mission to get all the kids their breakfast, diapers changed and Ransom nursed BEFORE it rains.  I pray repeatedly between tasks, "Lord, PLEASE just let it hold off until I can finish my Radnor thing!".

So I'm off, watching the clouds as I drive to the Radnor Lake parking lot.  I'm riding the Lexus' behind all the way into the parking lot...I get parked.  I try to pause, be still and focus.  I begin walking.  I see several fallen trees from the months recent tornado and storms and feel the strong wind and think..."Watch a tree fall and land on me while I am out here alone in the woods!".

But I make it to the top and the sun is still present.  I journal, I pray, all the while watching the clouds approach, playing a "fleece" type game with God and this ominous storm approaching.  I finish writing and hear God whisper, "It's okay.  Take all the time you need.  I can control the rain.".  

So I think and listen and I am so still....a VERY rare thing for me.  I am listening to every marvelous sound of nature and I am ENJOYING it....soaking it up....but I can't leave...just CAN'T.  This happened last year.  I can't bring myself to leave this spot.  I feel closest to Michael and God here.  It's my peaceful place.

So, I lay back on the bench, put my journal and books back in my all-prepared plastic rain protected Kroger sack, and lay on my back on the bench.  And for the first time I am looking up...and thinking and enjoying the peace.  Enjoying that childlike feeling of looking at each leaf on those very tall tree trunks...the branches are swaying, the clouds are settling in and because I'm at this new angle looking up, I am able to witness the glorious sighting of a red-tail hawk just above my head. (These have been "Michael's" God nods since his passing and come at just the right times for me and others in our family) 

He glides in so majestically and soars right over the top of me, right in my line of vision.  I think, "Surely that is NOT a red-tail hawk! Did I see that right?!"  So...he politely turns and glides right back over me...repeating his perfectly peaceful dance over my head a dozen times, not once or twice, a dozen and then the sun peeks out and shines on me and my tears...and at that moment a tree cracks and comes CRASHING to the ground just 15 yards from me!!

Unbelievable!  I start thinking about...no PLANNING a camping trip for this month, convinced I need to be in nature again...enjoy it again like both my Michael's have...be still enough again to remember the love I've always had for it but kept tucked back behind all my tasks...and I think, "You know God, you may have to actually MAKE it start raining to get me off of this bench.  I'm not certain I have the strength to make myself leave...and so...the raindrops begin falling at that moment...little by little, ever so slowly until one hits me in the ear and I decide I might need to move.  The trees above me will only be able to offer me partial protection for so long.

So, with tear-streaked cheeks,  I begin a very slow and reluctant walk down the path, glancing often back to the bench I just bent to kiss.  Somehow I didn't notice the entire hillside COVERED in purple wildflowers on the way up, Michael's favorite color.  And I'm breathing in that old familiar scent of the earth when it rains.

The rain is picking up but somehow I know the clouds will not open up and dump until I am safely back in my truck...I believe God's promise to me.  I'm smiling now, even more convicted to enjoy nature more and make sure that camping trip happens.

And so, here I sit....writing while a torrential DOWNPOUR ensues outside my warm and dry and protected truck seat.

You are a glorious God! A faithful and loving and protective God! Thank you for making me celebrate you today...for my stunned and delighted laughter, for joy, for life, for love, for remembrance, for hope, peace, healing, survival, babies, Michael Delk, my parents, for all the surrounding blessings!!

Gotta go!  I've got to go LIVE!!   You just turned my sadness into joy!!