First Anniversary of My Loved One

Most of you know that my beloved brother went to live with Jesus 4 1/2 years ago.  He was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident at the age of 36.  He was irreplaceable to me and one of my very, very best friends.  This blog comes from the journal I have kept since then.  This is for all of you who have lost a loved one to death and need to know you are not alone and it is for those of you who haven't lost a loved one and may be blessed by having a window into someones grief.

April 11th, 2008

One year. 12 months.  365 days.  Today marks one year since Michael died.  How did that happen?  How did so much time pass?  I feel like it will always feel it happened yesterday and at the same time, I still can't believe it happened at all.  I'm even holding a four month old baby, today marks four months in fact.  How does life still go on?

How to write down all the many thoughts and reels of memories that run rampant through my mind on a daily basis?  I've spent the morning pulling out old video footage, fast forwarding through tape after tape...searching for any little bit of him I can find.  I want to see him ALIVE again-desperately.  I think it will help somehow but it's no different than seeing him alive in my mind- it's painful.  I love to see him in my mind and memorize his mannerisms, voice, smile, different laughs, mischievous looks, hearing him call me "Sister"...

Ah-ha!  I found my first tape of him!  But oh, how the tears come and I have to keep rewinding so I can actually see him after my vision clears.  At the same moment, the sky opens up and a magnificent downpour occurs outside my living room window.  It only lasts a minute and then all is completely quiet again...it's as if God wants me to know he's crying with me...crying because he loved him even more than I could possibly imagine and he hurts with me for the pain we both know Michael endured on this earth.

I'm grateful for feeling God's presence...it's not the first time I've felt Him with me the past 12 months.  There is now my red-tail hawk sightings at just the perfect moment that bring me such peace and remind me that God is with me through the pain.

Michael would think all of this is nonsense-this whole honoring stuff, the tears...Mel, Michael, Ali and I do plan to laugh today as well.  On the list of must have movies tonight will be Dumb and Dumber, What About Bob, Grumpy Old Mel and perhaps Spinal Tap...all movies that became part of his speech.

I'm grateful for all of the blessings I have been handed in my life.  I know he would want me to spend this day, and any day, being at peace with myself and happy.  I spent the earlier part of the morning marveling at what a precious gift Easton is, named after his Uncle.  That too was a time of gratitude toward God for knowing what I needed this year even when I didn't.  He is so beautiful and content and loving and he brings me so much comfort and peace...holding him...receiving grins and giving to him.  My children are the very reason I've continued to live and live well in spite of my indescribable loss.  They have no idea what any of it means and their ignorance is what fuels my healing- a very productive distraction if you will.  They are also working on Michael's side probably to keep me from dwelling on the pain and moving on...just like he would want me to.

Then there is the still present shock and disbelief that my hero and friend is gone and the disbelief that this is actually part of my life story...all the other pains and joys seem to fit but not this one.  It is still too shocking and great to accept.  I remember screaming inside to God that night, "Please God, not him!!  Anyone but him! Not my Michael! You KNOW what he means to me! This can't be happening!".

There has been such a fluctuating gamut of thoughts and they go in stages, usually a couple months at a time, then they cycle back.  Shock, disbelief, anger, hurt, betrayal, denial, avoidance.  Busyness is my friend...or so I think...thinking of others and doing for others my distraction.  Stillness is my enemy...nighttime is when I can no longer escape from the truth and reality that his passing hurts so much that it takes my breath away and it is physically painful to face.

Hasn't it been a year?  Shouldn't I be over this by now?  But this is an entirely different experience than anything I've ever known and I'm not being fair to myself.  There isn't a perfect formula for grief and grief is messy.

Being in my big brothers presence was thrilling for me-like a kid in a candy store.  I will always miss it.  Oh, how thankful I am for the hope I have of being reunited with him one day in heaven.  I look forward to that day but until then, I have a very amazing life to live and a legacy to create myself.  I thank God for giving me an unusually close relationship with a brother and in spite of the overwhelming pain and loss, I am so grateful to have had him and thankful for the many ways that he will continue to live in my heart.

If you're still with me, thanks for listening. I will keep adding each year to give you an idea of how my thoughts have evolved over the years.  If you are experiencing the pain of loss, know that you are not alone.

In Him,

Annette

 

Things I Never Thought I'd Say Outloud

I don't know about you, but I sure do spend a fair amount of time stunned at what must come out of my mouth while parenting. My husband and I often give one another a look over the heads of our children in disbelief and with quite a smirk on our faces as well.  Here are a few of the things I never expected I would ever have to say out loud.  Prepare yourself...

• That princess dress is for your sister to wear.
• Do NOT lick my butt cheek.
• Do NOT throw toys down the air return vent.
• No, I do NOT want to see your penis.
• Stop licking my arm!
• Why are you covered in poop?
• Do you have to poop or pee?  (I have said this at least 2,345 times now)
• Which finger did you put in your bottom?!?!
• Why did you just drill a hole in my living room wall with Daddy's power tool?
• Why did you push your brother down the (VERY steep) driveway backwards in a Radio Flyer?
• You CANNOT play outside naked.
• Stop poking my boobs!
• You are not allowed to draw houses on my wall.
• Why did you put Vaseline all over your baby brothers head?
• You cannot paint with Lego's and your poop!!!!
• Just go pee over there...no one is looking.
• I don't have a free hand to answer that phone right now because I am pumping.
• I feel like a dairy cow.
• Would you like me to unlock the back door and let you back in? Are you done playing outside?
• Yes, your penis WILL get bigger as you get older.
• You cannot cover you and your brother with Elmer's glue.
• I haven't slept six hours straight in almost 3 months.
• Did he eat grapes yesterday? I saw them in his diaper this a.m.
• I need a new shirt, this one just got poop all over it.
• You are NOT allowed to pull Melissa's bathing suit top off while you are swimming with her!!

Share with me your audible surprises...let's all get a great laugh in today delighting in the fun and sometimes challenging parts of parenthood.  It's always funnier when it isn't YOUR kid doing it, isn't it?  I definitely need the reminder today to laugh more and freak out less...I don't usually find these things funny until AFTER the fact. :) 

With love,
Annette

We All Have a Story to Tell...

I have experienced most of my family battling with alcoholism and/or drug abuse and the treatment centers that that required...depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, a devastating and life-altering abortion and the sudden, traumatic and tragic death of my beloved big brother...

I have also experienced God's tug on my heart, his healing power, being led across the country to follow him, baptism, the daily gift of my incredible husband, forgiveness, four beautiful children and one waiting for me in heaven, grace, salvation, joy, restoration, courage, strength, boldness, peace and faith.

I try to be a real person.  I struggle with patience, insecurity, need for approval, perfectionism, image and granting myself grace.

I am drawn to people who are REAL.  We need more of it!  I have walked through many UGLY things in my life, but God's continued story of redemption in me is BEAUTIFUL.

I pray we are all experiencing the joy and freedom of having nothing to hide. What's your story?  Are you telling it?  Is God being glorified by it? 

In Him,
Annette

The Unpolished Version...

Okay friends,

I realize that not all of you will relate to this but I'd like to think that there are others of you who have fallen guilty to the "Polished Bible Belt Mom" Syndrome.  You know what I am talking about ladies...believing the lie that all other mothers besides yourselves run frolicking through a field of daisies singing at the top of their lungs. They never get upset with their perfectly well-behaved children and the organic vegetable garden they have is flourishing just outside their perfectly clean home...

My new saying is that one tends to become an expert in something once they have failed miserably at it.  This is true for me and the idol of image.  I have fallen prey and been sucked into the lie that in order to be a great mother and wife, I need to have it all together and look like I have it all together. You see the above polished photo? All matching? All looking incredibly happy? That was ONE SECOND in the life of the Delk's. And, I might add...we still couldn't get everyone looking. :)

What I have ruined in all of this, is any attempt for the need for Jesus, his grace and the ability to be real with others. 

So, this is not meant to be self-deprecating, I realize that I do many things that are very intentional for my family...and I seek goodness, but it IS an attempt to be real with you, to hopefully make you laugh out loud and to remind us that God wants us to be free from those lies. 

• If you come to my house, one of my sons may grab your breasts or tell you he likes them.
• I lose my temper at least once a day. (My daughter just came over and told me it was more than once. Humph!)
• I have a sailors mouth when I am really angry.
• My kids aren't bathed every day, not even every other day.
• My kids brush their teeth when they are bathed.
• Some days, I do have favorites, and it's the child who isn't talking yet.
• I have to apologize to my children for my sins...regularly.
• All of the plants I bought two weeks ago for fall have already died.
• I can be way too proud with my husband.
• If my children are left alone for more than 15 minutes, there's a good chance there will be 5-10 minutes of clean-up required.
• We home school, but we don't have our own garden, make our own bread or eat all organic and I've never worn a jumper.
• My children argue...often.
• There is a point when my "Demon...uh..Mom" voice comes out and all the kids take notice.
• I could now entertain children working at Pizza Hut...making balloon animals out of my breasts.
• If you drop by, you will find a massive mountain of laundry, just as you walk in, on my dining room table...if you call first, I MIGHT throw it in a closet but more than likely, you still find it there.
• I LIKE to keep my house organized and straightened, but don't lick my floors. I haven't mopped since 1996...and don't open any closets. You could get injured.
• Ok, so maybe that's not altogether true...twice a month I have a cleaning service come. Yep, I'm THAT girl. See? It takes a team to keep this image up.
• I often feel like I am failing at this whole motherhood thing.
• I don't like art projects.
• I think Playdoh and sandboxes are from the devil.
• I have a large roll on my stomach we have named "Biscuit". You can contort her into all sorts of shapes and pretend she's making funny faces. It's pretty cool really, except for when my son asked me last week if I had a baby in my tummy...
• I have cellulite, a gnarly c-section scar and my breasts...see Pizza Hut statement.
• I let my hair air dry the other day and my husband told me I looked like Axl Rose on a bad day.
• I order pizza and cupcakes for my kids' birthday parties...and I've never rented them a clown.
• I don't make goodie bags for the children who come to my kids' birthdays.
• Sometimes I leave my children to play by themselves while I write a silly blog.

So ladies, what's your unpolished version?  Let's share in reality with one another shall we? Let's enjoy the peace and freedom God wants for us to live.  You are perfectly designed to be the mother God wanted for each of your children.  Let's enjoy the domain God has entrusted to us...let's laugh at ourselves, be free to believe TRUTH and giggle more.

With love,
Annette