Sunday, March 25, 2012

What I Love and Miss About WA...

On a three week visit to my homestate of Washington, I was reminded of my family and what I miss and love and all the things my brother and I had to leave behind to move here in 1997....

  • Our birthplace of Davenport, our first hometown of Wilbur, our family in Almira and that fateful day at the Reardan payphone on Christmas Eve.
  • Grandma and Grandpa Painter
  • IGA trips
  • Grandma and Grandpa's willow tree and all the beatings I took from it from my brothers.
  • Our red berry tree fights in the yard.
  • Wind!! Wind so strong, up to 75 mph....often.
  • Getting ready for prom and having my hair blown sideways. :)
  • Wheat fields...bright green...rippling in the wind.
  • Mt. Adams views whenever we wanted.
  • Mt. St. Helens views.
  • Mt. Hood views and ski trips together
  • The magnificent Columbia Gorge and it's beautiful waterfalls, blue water and verdant green splendor.
  • Dust devils in the dry heat.
  • Summer forest fires, Smokey the Bear and signs stating the days fire potential.
  • Wishram fires.
  • Dry heat and cool temperatures in the shade.
  • Dressing for 105 degree weather and 40 degree weather, all in one day...
  • Pine trees as far as the eye can see.
  • Crisp, clean air.
  • Jet skiing on the Columbia River.
  • Fresh fruit stands.
  • Wineries
  • King City Chocolate Factory
  • Spokane and all our family there.
  • Auntie Jeanne
  • Sheri and Ghassan's house and all the memories of hospitality there.
  • Lebanese/Armenian garlic-filled food!!
  • ZaZa and Rima and their servant hearts.
  • Screen doors and being able to use them! Feeling the fresh air coming in the windows and hearing the breeze outside.
  • Playing and laying in the grass without chiggers.
  • Lake Roosevelt and Jones Bay
  • Randy and Sandy, Erin and Travis, Samantha and all our dear friends
  • Our camper.
  • Mom and Dad of course!!
  • Clint, Kirstie, Wyatt, Amity and family
  • Our family...our roots.
  • Lake Chelan
  • Lake Couer d'lene, ID
  • Mt. Spokane
  • The South Hill
  • All the different locations and trips I puked on as a child.
  • The Columbia River and how it's weaved into most memories throughout the state and throughout the years.
  • John Day Dam
  • Grand Coulee Dam
  • The Wild Horses statue at Vantage Bridge
  • Coulee City, Moses Lake, Ephrata
  • Uncle Orville, Aunt Kit, Graydon and The Ranch
  • Uncle Slim
  • David, Judy, Lani and DJ
  • Ice skating on the tennis courts in Almira
  • Jerry Emerson
  • Appaloosa horses
  • Leavenworth and Wenatchee
  • Your 1968 Chevy Stepside Pick-up
  • Remote, rural towns
  • Incredibly unique starry nights
  • John Day River
  • Rock formations along I84
  • The heiroglyphics at Horsethief Park.
  • Finding crystals in the rocks near Rufus and Biggs.
  • All your hometown gigs and barfights you watched from the stage.
  • Driving over Biggs Bridge in the wind.
  • Now...the windmills...
  • Being in WA and seeing hundreds of miles of OR farmland.
  • The Goldendale Golf Course
  • Combines
  • Big trucks, big cowboy hats and cowboy boots...the real cowboys.
  • The Demolitian Derby and Mt. Adams views
  • Rodeos and the "Ring of Fire"
  • Beer Gardens
  • Licorice, salt water taffy and Dehart's Brach's candy by the pound
  • Icicles
  • 602 E. Collins
  • Camping in Trout Lake
  • Huckleberry picking with cougars and bears and dangerous logs...filling our buckets.
  • The pine beetle in my hair.
  • Your campfire serenades and guitar playing
  • Huckleberry cobbles and muffins by Mom
  • Christmas feasts by Mom
  • Grandma's chocolate chip cookies
  • Trains all over the gorge.
  • Wild horses on Highway 97
  • Moms tacos!!
  • Auntie Jeanne's perfume
  • Antique hunting and family treasures
  • Community Days Parade
  • Dad standing and saluting the Veterans as they go by in the parade...always swell with pride seeing him do that.
  • Your Mother's Day swing on the island.
  • Rattlesnake hunting
  • Classmates and reunions

Thankful for all the memories and the love I still have for my wonderful home state.

Friday, March 9, 2012

3rd Anniversary of My Loved One...

Thanks for hanging in there with me while I attempt to get each anniversary journal entry transferred to this before the fifth year anniversary gets here...

Once again, these are always meant to let someone out there know they are not on an island in their grief and to give those who haven't experienced it...a better understanding and empathy for it. It has also blessed me to be able to write, which I love.  It helps me express my grief and also helps to show me the ways it has changed and hasn't changed each year...


April 11th, 2010

Another year lived and survived without you experiencing our life with us...a much overdue trial occurring May 25th on your behalf.  It was an excruciating and exhausting experience...discussing every single aspect of your entire life,, the wreck, your injuries and to what extent, that traumatic night at Vanderbilt when you passed, your funeral, what it's like for us now, seeing and facing the illegal alien who was involved and all the legalities that involved.  It brought every single thing back us for each of us.  I remember sleeping nearly a day and a half after that.

And another beautiful healthy baby boy that you would have adored.  I can't help but think, each time we have another precious life added to our family, how much they will miss not getting to meet you, and how proud you would be of us...how happy you would be for us.

This past year has been amazing...blessings everywhere, around every corner...just exactly what you would have wanted and prayed for us to enjoy...still so strange you aren't here to enjoy them with us.
You are still everywhere for me. You are still in my heart every day.  You are still so painful to be without.

So much has happened for Ali this year that I know you would want for her. I was getting ready the other day and stopped and said to Michael, "I still cannot believe we survived losing Michael Lloyd".  To which he wisely responded that it's something we'll always, daily, continue to survive until we see him again.  That' s the truth...my heart is mending, new life, love and joy are still present, but you are always a memory away...a thought away...an overwhelming emotion of loss away.

Mom is here helping with the birth of Ransom just ten days ago.  I will continue to try my best to love her even half as good as you did.  You sure give me a lot to live up to but I am thankful she experienced so much with you and received so much of your love in her life.

Leaving this house and moving in another month will be difficult because my last memories of you are here but I know you will be wherever we are in our hearts.  We love you always...

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A Weary Mom...

Big sigh...and a couple more.  I had one of the worst days I have ever had as a mother yesterday.  It involved things that have been brewing in my home for about four weeks now...things like defiance, children screaming at one another, pushing, shoving, hitting, whining, tattling, fussing, selfishness... It seemed to come to a head yesterday as I tackled a fifteen hour day alone.  Finally, at 10:00 p.m. after three hours of trying to discipline the kids through bedtime...I LOST IT. 

I didn't just get angry, I took it to a whole different level.  I didn't physically harm my children but my words pierced their precious spirits.  I said words no child should have to hear.  I went in twenty minutes later with humility, repentance, an apology and a speech that said all the "right" things, but for me if felt like way too late.

So, then I settled into a melancholy state of self-loathing.  I have taken it to a whole different level where I awoke this morning convinced I am incapable of doing this "mother" thing...incapable of writing or speaking on motherhood with ANY amount of wisdom...thinking I should resign from being a board member for my local home school co-op because it's all just a big joke.  The idea that I am worthy of any such titles when I am such a failure as remaining self-controlled...

Michael informed me that THIS was blog worthy.  THIS was where the realness lies...that venting to all of you the truth about where I find myself at times, is worthy of my time today.  I would love to never have to admit that my temper gets the best of me...that I feel at times like I am failing at motherhood, that I feel that my children would be so much better off with another mother.

I wish I could say that I could finish this blog with wonderful insight into scripture that points me back to complete joy like so many other blogs I read but I am still wrestling through it today.  I know what many of you would say to comfort me in this moment of weariness and I would say many of the very same things to you...

For now, I will cling to Romans 7:14-8:2 and I will play worship music in my home. I will cry out to Jesus to help me through each moment.  I will call a friend or two to vent and ask advice and I will plan to get out in this glorious weather to try to restore each of our souls....

I am thankful for the apostle Paul who writes, and therefore, helps remind me that I am not on an island in this journey. Romans 7:14-8:2 from The Message says...

     I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not.  Isn't this also your experience?" Yes.  I'm full of myself---after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison.  What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.  So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
     But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes.  I can will it, but I can't do it.  I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.  My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions.  Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
    It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, sin it there to trip me up.  I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
     I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me?  Isn't that the real question?
     The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.  He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. 
    With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved.  Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud.  A new power is in operation.  The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. 

    
My answer always comes back to GRACE.  Grace for my children and grace for myself.  Realizing that Christ covers us in grace.  If you think of it today, please say a prayer for your weary friend. 

Thanks for listening...

Friday, March 2, 2012

To My Children With Love...

To those of you reading this before my children are actually able to read...

Disclaimer:  This is in no way meant to be one of those letters where I brag on my children and they are made out to be perfect.  I almost deleted this post today after the kids bickered all the way to Costco and back over a kite...it is however, truth about the ways I feel they are marvelous and deserve praise....because after all, that IS one of the most precious gifts I can give them and it IS my responsibility as their Mommy.


Hello dear babies,

I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I love you.  I now have the memory of a goldfish and so I think it's important for you to have my words written down so that you know all the ways that I loved you...right here in this moment and the way you were loved and seen through my eyes today...

My dear, dear Jaren...

The words, "It's a GIRL!" were some of the sweetest words of my life.  I had prayed for them...I had prayed for specific qualities and physical characteristics, not certain that the God of the universe would see fit to grant me my wishes and yet He did.  He is a God like that.  A God who wants to bless His children and cares about all the "little" things.  I prayed and God literally gave me everything I had hoped for in you.  You are the first real tangible gift for me that proved I was forgiven.
You are the child I have the most regrets with.  You got all of my mistakes as the first child while I found out the hard way the lessons God was teaching me through motherhood...and yet, you are gracious and loving and forgiving.  And you spend your days reassuring me of your love for me and your Daddy and your brothers.  Our home is filled with the sounds of piano playing each day thanks to you and your love of music. You are also an important part and Deejay in our family dance-offs. Your heart is one of a servant.  You are an old soul who has always been older than your years.  This is a blessing and a curse as your parent because you are also prone to thinking you have all the answers...I, ah-hem, know another person in your home you may have inherited this from...I often tell people that you could probably run this house without your parents if we let you. You are a dreamer and a doer. You have a very strong work ethic that will serve you so well in life.  You are wise beyond your years and grasp biblical concepts that would have seemed like a foreign language to me when I was your age.  You asked to be baptized in the Jordan River for your 8th birthday in June...ah hem...may have to order some water online and pour it into a pool here in Nashville sweetie...
You are gifted.  Things come naturally to you which will either serve you well or curse you, depending on whether you are spirit-filled or not.  You are extremely successful to God and to us, if you become a wife, mother and lover of the Word and your God...even though this world will try to convince you that you need to do more.  Your Daddy and I don't expect perfection from you and never will.  I think you are one that has to be reminded of that each day and we always will. 
You have a heart for others in need and I pray that is never squelched by the cynicism of this world but only used to glorify God's kingdom. 
I have but one mission for you and that is for you to know that you are here on this earth to know Him and make Him known.

My tender, sweet Gentry...

Our family was wrapped into a perfect little package with our girl and our little prince.  You screamed the loudest at birth out of all our babies and peed directly in my tummy the second you were born, but that all became ironic as we cuddled and nurtured our sweet boy.  You are content. You are gentle and tender and sweet and calm and loving.  You are empathetic which I am told is more difficult for boys, especially little ones.  I can trust you alone for not minutes but HOURS.  You have a sense of right and wrong and concern for upsetting your parents which makes you choose the best option...not ALL of the time, but more often than your siblings.  You are the only child at this point who shows extreme gratitude over gifts given to you...stopping to wrap your arms around my legs and thank me repeatedly in the middle of your day, for that special gift you were given one week earlier.  You love to stop what you are doing and hug my leg to tell me that you are so thankful God gave you the best mother in the world.  You melt my heart.  Your smile has always been a beacon of light into my soul, especially on days when I am weary with the tasks of motherhood.  Your sister is your lifeline.  She is so nurturing to your spirit in so many ways and your brothers are such a blessing to your playtime...not necessarily to your parents at all times, ah hem, but certainly to your fun side. You are stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and take the prize for the most whiny Delk toddler but I am pleased to announce that you have passed that torch.  Your laugh and giggle are infectious and once you get going, there is no stopping your giggling fits.  I have to draw you out to learn about your thoughts but once you feel safe and heard, you can talk all day long. :) You have a knack for art, especially painting and drawing and Dev says you have a real gift of creativity.   I love your voice and I love your heart for the homeless and needy this past month.  I love all the ways you brighten our life each day. 
I have but one mission for you and that is for you to know that you are here on this earth to know Him and to make Him known.


My precious Easton...

God knows each of us so well and he knew EXACTLY what I needed and when it would be best, even when I didn't.  You are my precious saving grace.  You are my constant reminder that joy and light and life live on, even when you think your world is ending.  You my dear one, came during the hardest year of my life.  Just when I lost my beloved brother, God made you known to me, the very next day in fact.  You saved me.  You made me eat and pray and hope and take care of myself when I would have otherwise refused to do so.  God knew I needed you.  And from the second you were born, you have been keeping us on our toes ever since.  You were a compliment to me...that the God of the universe believed I had the strength in that year to raise three babies, grieve and have a resident husband.  And the even more beautiful gift is that I am constantly seeing your Uncle in your spirit.  You are like him in so many ways which is an amazing blessing to you and oftentimes a stressor to your mother. :)
Even from birth you stood out.  You were the only Delk baby with dark brown hair! We were so excited! And it stuck straight up which was a sign for things to come in your little personality.  You are simply hilarious and our home delights in all the ways you make us laugh.  You are magnetic, exuberant, passionate, silly, comedic, brilliant and fun. You have mad tumbling skills. Your contract work is amazing and you are responsible for a large percentage of my blog ideas.  Just when I thought you were going to wear pull-ups until you were ten, you pulled through buddy and you are rockin' it!  I cannot TELL you how many times I shake my head at you...dumbfounded...wondering where you get it...only to realize that you are exactly like me. :)
You are my snuggle bug which I love, because I wasn't sure if we would ever get you there since you were always on the go.  You are curious, adventurous, fearless and your imagination is sensational.  I have no doubt that your winning personality will be used to engage people and to hopefully foster in you and those you meet, a love for the Lord.  Thank you for  bearing with me as we struggled MIGHTILY to get to your fourth birthday buddy.  We are doing good since then aren't we? :) 
I have but one mission and that is for you to know that you are on this earth to know Him and to make Him known.


Our delicious Ransom....

You came to us in a season of respite and joy.  You were the last missing piece to making this family feel so complete.  I have gotten to enjoy and delight in each day with you, so much more than my other babies.  I wasn't new to the experience, realized how fast it goes and knew you could be my last.  Our life circumstances no longer contained all of the incredible weariness and stress and strain as the previous years did and for that you were blessed with parents who could enjoy you. You were expected to be Easton's little best friend and you have not disappointed.  Though I am not fond on the ways you punch and kick him to defend yourself, I delight in all the other ways you make our home so joyful. I have called you "Delicious" for many reasons my sweet baby.  Your spirit has always been one of contentment and joy and laughter and sweetness.  You have always been an amazing sleeper and until the last month, have not asked for anything except food and water. I often have to search for you to find you because you wander the house, quietly playing until you get hungry and come seeking me out. :) You are starting to talk so much now which is so fun to hear what you have to say and it gives me a small glimpse into who you are becoming and who you will be.  You still amaze me at all the things you understand and do, even though you cannot communicate verbally. You wake with a smile on your special little dimply face and you end your day with a hug and kiss.  Your Daddy is your hero and you light up whenever you see him.  You really do bring so much delight to each member of your family.  Sissy, Gentry and Easton love to take responsibility for loving on you and helping you have what you need.  They love to make you giggle and laugh and learn.  I am so thankful for your precious spirit and the ways that God will use you to nurture and love others in your life. 
I have but one mission and that is for you to know that you are on this earth to know Him and to make Him known.

I thank God for the gift of each of you individually, and for the gift of experiencing motherhood.  I always thought that I would be responsible for teaching and training you...and I think I do, but I cannot TELL you all the ways God had a master plan in using it to teach and train me.  I am still a piece of work and I am thankful that the God of the universe sees fit to mold me and use me and each one of us.  Thank you so much for healing my soul.

Gotta go, one of you is banging on the back door...