A Weary Mom...

Big sigh...and a couple more.  I had one of the worst days I have ever had as a mother yesterday.  It involved things that have been brewing in my home for about four weeks now...things like defiance, children screaming at one another, pushing, shoving, hitting, whining, tattling, fussing, selfishness... It seemed to come to a head yesterday as I tackled a fifteen hour day alone.  Finally, at 10:00 p.m. after three hours of trying to discipline the kids through bedtime...I LOST IT. 

I didn't just get angry, I took it to a whole different level.  I didn't physically harm my children but my words pierced their precious spirits.  I said words no child should have to hear.  I went in twenty minutes later with humility, repentance, an apology and a speech that said all the "right" things, but for me if felt like way too late.

So, then I settled into a melancholy state of self-loathing.  I have taken it to a whole different level where I awoke this morning convinced I am incapable of doing this "mother" thing...incapable of writing or speaking on motherhood with ANY amount of wisdom...thinking I should resign from being a board member for my local home school co-op because it's all just a big joke.  The idea that I am worthy of any such titles when I am such a failure as remaining self-controlled...

Michael informed me that THIS was blog worthy.  THIS was where the realness lies...that venting to all of you the truth about where I find myself at times, is worthy of my time today.  I would love to never have to admit that my temper gets the best of me...that I feel at times like I am failing at motherhood, that I feel that my children would be so much better off with another mother.

I wish I could say that I could finish this blog with wonderful insight into scripture that points me back to complete joy like so many other blogs I read but I am still wrestling through it today.  I know what many of you would say to comfort me in this moment of weariness and I would say many of the very same things to you...

For now, I will cling to Romans 7:14-8:2 and I will play worship music in my home. I will cry out to Jesus to help me through each moment.  I will call a friend or two to vent and ask advice and I will plan to get out in this glorious weather to try to restore each of our souls....

I am thankful for the apostle Paul who writes, and therefore, helps remind me that I am not on an island in this journey. Romans 7:14-8:2 from The Message says...

     I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not.  Isn't this also your experience?" Yes.  I'm full of myself---after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison.  What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.  So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
     But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes.  I can will it, but I can't do it.  I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.  My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions.  Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
    It happens so regularly that it's predictable.  The moment I decide to do good, sin it there to trip me up.  I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight.  Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
     I've tried everything and nothing helps.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Is there no one who can do anything for me?  Isn't that the real question?
     The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.  He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. 
    With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved.  Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud.  A new power is in operation.  The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. 

    
My answer always comes back to GRACE.  Grace for my children and grace for myself.  Realizing that Christ covers us in grace.  If you think of it today, please say a prayer for your weary friend. 

Thanks for listening...