2nd Anniversary of My Loved One...

Okay friends, I don't intend to be Debbie Downer these next few weeks but I am trying to transfer these annual entries from my grief journal, onto this site...April 11th will mark five years since my beloved big brother went to Heaven...so I have three entries to add before then.

Again, this is meant to bless anyone who has had a loved one go to heaven...or in case you haven't yet, and need to better understand my grief process and others...

April 11th, 2009

     I'm on "your" bench at Radnor Lake and I've just now caught my breath.  Only you could get me to hike!  I think I just met an angel...or definitely someone God placed...literally...directly in my path.  I had no idea where I was going today...just that I wanted to try to find your bench and write about you today.  I had a couple directions and set off alone to find it...not certain I would.  There was no other person when I began but then I noticed a woman walking above me about 20 yards...she provided a visual for where the path wound around the hill so I quietly followed behind.  I was roaming the terrain looking for a bench that had your initials and your beloved Ali's carved in red...the sight where you proposed to her...
     Once I topped the hill...I saw a bench...but I also saw the woman lying down on it on her back with her eyes closed...how to politely explain to this woman what it TOOK for me to get to this place...alone...today.  There was no other way around it, I had to disturb her so I could see if it was the right bench.  She sat up and my heart skipped a beat and broke all at once...there were your initials carved in your signature penmanship.
     The woman was odd and I had an agenda and a STRONG desire to be alone to write but she didn't seem to GET that.  She stayed on one end of the bench and I on the other...I didn't talk, just got out my journal and began writing...secretly hoping she would get the hint.  She started asking me questions and I told her why I was there.  She told me HER brother MIKE was killed a year ago and felt we must have been meant to meet.  She sat awhile while I wrote...not really sure what to do with the awkwardness of the situation...soon she said she was going to leave and give me some privacy but that she wanted me to have the necklace she was wearing...she gently lifted them from around her neck and placed them in my outstretched hand.  She said they were green jasper beads.  I'm not real sure what she said exactly because as usual, I wasn't trying to be a good listener.  She said the beads/rocks are meant to open your heart and that she hoped I was able to open my heart and that they would help me to do the necessary work it takes to get through our pain and grief.  She placed them in my hand and I thanked her in the best voice I could make and she walked away...leaving her lingering and good perfumed scent behind...my eyes followed her until she was no longer visible...my heart aware of how supernatural the whole thing just was.
     Yet again, I am reminded of signs all around each of us who are still here mourning your loss.  People, objects, symbols, animals, birds....God is constantly reminding us that He hurts with us, He grieves with us and that He heals our hearts...even when it seems an impossible task.
     Once again, I found myself waking on this day and looking at Easton as my time reference to how long I have survived without you.  I'm always struck by how long it's been since I've seen you...that his life was just beginning when yours was just ending here on earth.  And now, he's talking and running and pitching fits.
      I miss you so much...in so many ways...I'm often caught off guard at how many times and how many ways I'm reminded of you and the hole I feel in my heart each time I'm reminded that you aren't her in the flesh anymore.  Thank God for Michael, Ali and Mel.  You would be so proud of each of them.  I'm trying to take care of your girl for you, as are all of us.  She's so strong, graceful, beautiful and resilient...and she loved you so, so much.  I am so thankful to have her in my life.
     Most of all, I want you to know that you are still here in so many ways and that your life was one that lives on forever in each of us.  You were unforgettable and your humor and your ability to love left us with innumerable memories that bring us joy and make us laugh in spite of the pain.
      Thank you for the life you led and the love you gave so freely.  It helps the pain sometimes to think about what you might say in different circumstances that arise for me...just hiking up here, exercising for the first time in years, I could hear you cheering me on...SPECIFIC words of encouragement that only you would say to me.
     Two years seems like a good amount of time but I'm still waiting for all of this to get better.   In some ways, I can feel the peace and comfort growing but in so many other ways, missing you still takes my breath away and I find myself gasping for air....the pain is so great.  There aren't enough words to express how much I miss you brother.  I look forward to seeing you again for eternity.
     I pray that I make you proud with the rest of this life I must live.  I pray for peace in my heart about your secrecy with me.  I pray for peace about living through the night of your passing.  I pray I don't feel a loss like this again.  I pray I use this experience to bless others in pain.
     I know I have a lifetime ahead of me of joy and laughter and love.  I wish so much you could enjoy my children...and the futures they have.  Thank you for loving me the way you did.  It was a rare gift and one I will hold near to me and treasure all my life.  I love you always.  You are with me always...till we meet again...