If You've Ever Been Prone to Judgement...

      I was young.  It was cold in the sterile room.  My heart was numb.  I didn't feel...I didn't speak.  I was scared.  I was determined.  My name was called.  The hall was long and my mind was panicked.  The doctor was male and it was my first pelvic exam...I was pregnant...and I didn't want to be.  I was not given pain medication.  I was given a woman's hand to hold...while I was told I would feel some "discomfort". 

     I was screaming inside once the "procedure" began to abort my baby.  I didn't consider it that though. It was simply "tissue" to me at the time.  It was the most excruciating pain of my life until then...and since.  I was asked if I was okay by a nurse with kind eyes filled with pity...but she was a stranger...and I was convinced that strength was what was required in that moment...so I didn't speak or cry out...just writhe on the table in agony.  It's what I deserved right? Anyone who can voluntarily kill their own baby must be the lowest type of person...right?  I sure thought so.  For it is after that moment that I stopped crying...that I stopped loving...that I decided I didn't want or deserve children...that I began a very long journey of self-loathing.  There isn't a judgement one can make that I didn't heap tenfold onto my shoulders.  At one point, I decided that taking my own life would be best...and it wouldn't have been committing suicide, it would have been well-deserved murder for what I had done. No amount of achievements could atone for her death...no amount of fulfilled goals after were worth it.  Nothing I did seemed like anything but a lie.

     The truth is that my baby went from a peaceful place to one of extreme trauma and passing...all in the name of...convenience...of "Choice"...of secrecy...of fear...of control on my life...of selfishness...of unmet goals for my life...of reputation.

     I am free though and so is she.  I am forgiven and so are you.  I am free of what judgements you may pass toward me.  I truly don't care what others think toward me now...that took a LONG time.  It has been a LONG journey but God led me there and it is so joyous to be free from that weight.  To know that my baby went straight into the arms of Jesus and she is waiting for me, while she dances with her Uncle...to rest assured that I am loved beyond words by God and by her...that she understands now and is gracious to her mother and is waiting to meet her parents one day.

     We use all sorts of heartless humor in our culture...we make light of people's pain without even thinking about it..."Are you gay?!" Well...someone is questioning it. And they are hurting and unsure and terrified of being vulnerable enough to let us know it for fear we are going to crush them...and we just might...."What are you?  Smokin' crack?!"...well, one of my heroes is and they are ashamed and hurting and they don't know what to do about it...and they are still my hero.  "Is that baby yours or is it a brother from another mother?!"...have you ever been trapped in that pain and shame before?..."Man, aren't you grumpy! Aren't you getting any?!"...well the truth is, that spouse hasn't felt genuine love and intimacy from their betrothed in several years.  None of these are funny.  There IS a story behind every life...and we haven't walked in it.
    
   
      And chances are one of these people are sitting in the room with us at some point...and they are hiding and in pain.  And we have the potential to help heal and to show grace and to LOVE...and CERTAINLY if we proclaim to follow Christ...we can't forget the gospel and what it meant and what it came to do for us.  Am I condoning abortion?  Absolutely not!  I wish it never existed but I AM certain that many christians are responsible for thousands of them due to religion's nature to lack grace and condemn and judge when one finds oneself caught in his or her own sin.

    
      We have to be VERY, VERY careful with our words....they have the power to give LIFE or they have the power to DESTROY.  Don't get me wrong...I've been there and will probably sin in that again.  We all judge at some point or another....but my experiences are now leading me on a path to stop this...to hide from nothing and to own everything...no matter how ugly...and to hopefully set someone else free in the process.

     Our God is a God of healing, of forgiveness and of love.  He wants you to turn toward Him and to feel peace and joy and love like no other source can give.  We have to recognize our need for repentance and forgiveness with humility before we cast the first stone...