Most of you know that my beloved brother went to live with Jesus 4 1/2 years ago. He was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident at the age of 36. He was irreplaceable to me and one of my very, very best friends. This blog comes from the journal I have kept since then. This is for all of you who have lost a loved one to death and need to know you are not alone and it is for those of you who haven't lost a loved one and may be blessed by having a window into someones grief.
April 11th, 2008
One year. 12 months. 365 days. Today marks one year since Michael died. How did that happen? How did so much time pass? I feel like it will always feel it happened yesterday and at the same time, I still can't believe it happened at all. I'm even holding a four month old baby, today marks four months in fact. How does life still go on?
How to write down all the many thoughts and reels of memories that run rampant through my mind on a daily basis? I've spent the morning pulling out old video footage, fast forwarding through tape after tape...searching for any little bit of him I can find. I want to see him ALIVE again-desperately. I think it will help somehow but it's no different than seeing him alive in my mind- it's painful. I love to see him in my mind and memorize his mannerisms, voice, smile, different laughs, mischievous looks, hearing him call me "Sister"...
Ah-ha! I found my first tape of him! But oh, how the tears come and I have to keep rewinding so I can actually see him after my vision clears. At the same moment, the sky opens up and a magnificent downpour occurs outside my living room window. It only lasts a minute and then all is completely quiet again...it's as if God wants me to know he's crying with me...crying because he loved him even more than I could possibly imagine and he hurts with me for the pain we both know Michael endured on this earth.
I'm grateful for feeling God's presence...it's not the first time I've felt Him with me the past 12 months. There is now my red-tail hawk sightings at just the perfect moment that bring me such peace and remind me that God is with me through the pain.
Michael would think all of this is nonsense-this whole honoring stuff, the tears...Mel, Michael, Ali and I do plan to laugh today as well. On the list of must have movies tonight will be Dumb and Dumber, What About Bob, Grumpy Old Mel and perhaps Spinal Tap...all movies that became part of his speech.
I'm grateful for all of the blessings I have been handed in my life. I know he would want me to spend this day, and any day, being at peace with myself and happy. I spent the earlier part of the morning marveling at what a precious gift Easton is, named after his Uncle. That too was a time of gratitude toward God for knowing what I needed this year even when I didn't. He is so beautiful and content and loving and he brings me so much comfort and peace...holding him...receiving grins and giving to him. My children are the very reason I've continued to live and live well in spite of my indescribable loss. They have no idea what any of it means and their ignorance is what fuels my healing- a very productive distraction if you will. They are also working on Michael's side probably to keep me from dwelling on the pain and moving on...just like he would want me to.
Then there is the still present shock and disbelief that my hero and friend is gone and the disbelief that this is actually part of my life story...all the other pains and joys seem to fit but not this one. It is still too shocking and great to accept. I remember screaming inside to God that night, "Please God, not him!! Anyone but him! Not my Michael! You KNOW what he means to me! This can't be happening!".
There has been such a fluctuating gamut of thoughts and they go in stages, usually a couple months at a time, then they cycle back. Shock, disbelief, anger, hurt, betrayal, denial, avoidance. Busyness is my friend...or so I think...thinking of others and doing for others my distraction. Stillness is my enemy...nighttime is when I can no longer escape from the truth and reality that his passing hurts so much that it takes my breath away and it is physically painful to face.
Hasn't it been a year? Shouldn't I be over this by now? But this is an entirely different experience than anything I've ever known and I'm not being fair to myself. There isn't a perfect formula for grief and grief is messy.
Being in my big brothers presence was thrilling for me-like a kid in a candy store. I will always miss it. Oh, how thankful I am for the hope I have of being reunited with him one day in heaven. I look forward to that day but until then, I have a very amazing life to live and a legacy to create myself. I thank God for giving me an unusually close relationship with a brother and in spite of the overwhelming pain and loss, I am so grateful to have had him and thankful for the many ways that he will continue to live in my heart.
If you're still with me, thanks for listening. I will keep adding each year to give you an idea of how my thoughts have evolved over the years. If you are experiencing the pain of loss, know that you are not alone.
In Him,
Annette
3 comments:
I was looking through some papers from high school when I was at mom and dads last weekend and found a letter written to him, from I don't have a clue who, with a list of rules for taking me to Prom. I saved it. So many memories. I think he would be proud of all of us. The thought of getting one of his hugs makes the thought of going to heaven even a little more sweet. Thanks for sharing this little brave one :)
What an amazing look into your memory of your brother. Love you! Thanks for sharing:)
Love this post, thanks for sharing your words!
With love, Amanda B.
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